Come Back Sleep!

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I got off work at 5 this morning. I had to come home, get my brother and take him to work. While I was out I grabbed breakfast and filled my car up with gas. By time I got home I was so tired I couldn’t sleep, so I pulled out my book and started reading. At the moment I am reading Revival by Stephen King. Of course it’s a Stephen King book.

I was finally able to fall asleep around 7 am and the sun was already coming up. Not to mention my ankle felt like there were little men inside of it, taking turns breaking bones. Also, the little aliens in my bladder thought it would be fun to poke at the bladder walls, making me get up twice to use the bathroom.

Then, after tossing and turning, running to the bathroom, and trying to position my ankle to a more comfortable position, my mom had already left the house to pick up my brother from work. He got off at 10 and they got home about 10:30. My puppy goes crazy barking and running around when my brother opens to door to tell me it was almost 11. I asked him to do that, I just hadn’t realized how quick 11 would catch up to me.

I shout at the dog and my brother scares me because he is suddenly beside my bed with food. Now, usually when you tell me you have food for me I am up instantly. Not this time, I just wanted to sleep but it was too late. After maybe two hours of sleep all together I was awake.

I got up, ate and decided to get some Christmas shopping done. By 1:30 I was tired again and thought I would try sleeping again. 30 minutes after falling asleep my puppy is barking again, my dad is drilling holes in the wall to hang the TV, and my brother is laughing super loud at his game and friends. Needless to say, I wanted to behead the entire house, starting with the dog that was barking in my ear.

I get up, stumble around the house, find food and take out the dog. I watch a little TV with my dad then sit at my computer debating on getting some Christmas gifts made.

At this point I am just about delirious. I am too tired to do much of anything but too awake to go to sleep. So I sat and stared at the wall. About 3:30 I was ready to try sleep again.

30 minutes later the dog is barking again. I kicked her out of my room and shut the door, finally welcoming sleep. Two and a half hours later my dad is waking me up asking me what time I had to be at work. It was time for me to get up, but that was about all I knew. I couldn’t tell time or even remember what time I had to be at work.

I was so confused when my dad woke me up that I probably could not have even told you what my name was. Or even that I lived on Earth. I got sleep, but I don’t know the quality of that sleep. Now I have one of those weird empty headaches and I am starving.

All of that was to tell you exactly why I do not have a good quality post for you today. I have fought the demon sleep and while it may seem that I have won, we all know that I have lost terribly.

Hitting A Wall

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I didn’t write anything other than a blog yesterday.  I was going to write, it was in my plans to write.  Then, I got tired and my head hurt and my sinus infection was kicking my butt.  After all of that, I sat up and watched Sims 4 videos on Youtube until 4 this morning.  I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything yesterday.

I haven’t lost my spark.  I have dried up on ideas or taken a wrong turn.  I know where the story is going and I kind of, somewhat know how to get there.  The problem is that I need sleep.  I am so tired.  I can’t seem to catch up on my sleep and it seems like I won’t be catching up on it until some time after the holidays.

Though I didn’t write last night, I have not fallen behind.  I am still on track. As long as I don’t skip any more days I will be good to go, but yesterday was just impossible.

I got off work at 5am.  I got home, considered not sleeping.  Fell asleep for 2 hours, just to get up and go to my Physical Therapy appointment.  I made it back home, talked to my mom and brother and then took another 2 hour nap.  Or maybe three hour nap.

After my second nap I was up and out the door again, going out to eat with the family.  Once we got back home I sat down to watch a few shows that I watch with my family and I fell asleep for another hour.  After that nap I had trouble going to bed last night, leaving me still awake at 4am.  It was a rough day for sleep and I am feeling it today.

While I would have loved to sleep today, I had to get up and do some shopping for Christmas.  Now my head hurts (again) and I am so tired.  I feel like someone unplugged me from the outlet and my energy is just forever draining until I crash.

I plan on writing tonight, trying to get my word count back up and back on track.  Trying to push my story forward without hating it.  While I would rather sleep, I will push myself to do what I need to do.  Writing is a dream of mine and I won’t let sleep get in the way.

What are your challenges when it comes to writing?

Sleep Deprived?

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I am pretty much dead on my feet right now.  I have been working third shift three days a week the past two weeks.  Last week it wasn’t so bad, because I worked 10pm to 3am.  This week they tacked on 2 hours extra each night, making it 5am before I am headed home.  I actually love the schedule.  I love working when there are no customers to get in the way.

The problem lies in sleep.  I want to sleep all day! Which, when you take into account that I don’t get to sleep until about 7am, sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon is not that bad.  It’s only 8 to 9 hours of sleep.  But for some reason my mom thinks that it’s crazy that I sleep so late in the day.  Just because her and my brother can function comfortably on 4 to 5 hours.  I can’t. I get cranky and tired.

I have been trying to not sleep all day.  I have a puppy to take care of, blogs to write, a story to work on, and Christmas gifts to make.  Sadly, not much has been getting done.  I get up before 3, but I usually find myself still laying in bed with a headache or just too tired to do much of anything.

On a positive note to all of this, my ankle seems to finally be getting better. I am not hobbling as much and it doesn’t hurt as much.  It usually hurts when I lay down to go to sleep, but not enough to keep me awake.  It’s pretty awesome actually.  I’m just hoping that it’s a permanent thing, and not just a fleeting moment of freedom from pain.

I am still writing, and shockingly I am still getting a blog a day done, but it’s all done from my bed.  Maybe I will eventually get used to the hours and can function during the day, or I will be put on a different schedule.  All I know is I have got to stop sleeping so much and I need to get moving again.

Tomorrow I am hoping to get back to the blogs about writing, I just haven’t had the energy to put much thought into my blogs.

NaNoWriMo update: 27,884 over half way there and ahead of schedule.  I just hope that my muse keeps working with me.

Beach Life

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The beach is beautiful. Really, I love it! But sharing a hotel room with your family kind of sucks.

We have a kitchen in our hotel room, which kind of rocks. It’s tiny and adorable.

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And while it feels a little run down, the people are friendly. There are people living in this hotel and I can’t really blame them. It’s like 5 seconds from the beach.

Between the long ride, my dad’s snores, my moms coughs, and Pixels barking, I am wore out. Okay, not really. I’m loving the beach and I don’t want tomorrow to be the last day. Curse you responsible life.

And for one more picture. Pixel still isn’t sure how to take all of this.

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Sleeping Beauty

I have noticed something in myself the past few days.  I have been off work, just chilling in my bed until it’s time to go back to bed.  I have been lazy and not a thing has been done.  I now realize that this is a habit that I need to stop right now.  It’s not good for my health.

I made the decision yesterday to leave my church.  At the moment it’s just for a little bit while I gather my own thoughts and decide what I am going to do.  I don’t know if I will go back or when I will go back. I want to go back, I don’t feel like that part of my life is over yet, but then again what do I know?

I keep making these post about how I am going to do this and do that.  Then away from the computer I do nothing.  I just sit in my bed and watch the day go by.  I don’t move. I don’t want to move.  I don’t even want to get on my computer and play games.  I just…sit…and flip through channels on TV until I fall back asleep.

My poor puppy probably thinks I am the worst pet owner ever.  All I do is pet her and have her lay beside me while I fade in and out. I wonder constantly what is the meaning of life.  Why am I here and what am I supposed to do?  It all seems so pointless some days.  Wake up, go to work, pay all my money to bills, and then do it all over again.

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I do little things that make me happy.  I bake and write. And I don’t even write that much. I read, but I have slowed down on my reading.  I feel like everything in life just slips through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to catch it.

I sit here, waiting for my life to begin.  What does that even mean?  Waiting for life to begin?  Is there something major and amazing that is supposed to happen before I can be happy?  I read too much to be happy with an every day life.  I need a life full of excitement and adventure.  But to do that I need money, or at least not be so far in debt I can’t breathe.

I am too old to have moments like this.  I should have things figured out.  I should be up early every day ready to take on the world.  I should be writing and baking every day.  I should be smiling and laughing and having a grand time. But when I jump up to take on the world I have a split second where I wonder what is it all for.  And I lose that little spark that I had.

Since I can’t find purpose or motivation, I just lay back down and go back to sleep.  Yeah, I go to the gym and I am losing weight.  But that never goes as quickly as I would like.

I’m just in a moment.  Sleeping until Prince Charming comes to wake me from this darkness.

I’m Such a Slacker

I keep thinking, I should sit down and write a post. Then I find something on TV that is mildly interesting and fall asleep. Yep, lazy me just sleeps and eats. I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten until yesterday.

I didn’t have to be at work until 5 last night, so all day I slept and got up long enough to get something to eat. I sat at my computer for maybe 5 minutes and decided I wanted to watch TV. The television has taken over my life. Well, that and Sims 3. I’m so excited for Sims 4 that I have let the game take over the other part of my life.

Eat, sleep, play sims, work, sleep. 

That is about all I have done. And I kind of hate myself for it. I haven’t studied, written, or baked. I have just been a lazy bum. 

I realize that I have to change this. I will change this. 

Also, just the other night I did this. 

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I call it my nerd notes. It’s for when I am reading and want to write down my thoughts on a certain event or chapter. That way my book reviews will be better. 

I have been thinking about doing this awesome thing…I want to read books that have a movie based on it, then compare the two to see the differences. You always see these things about how the book was better, so I want to see how much the movies very from the books. I probably will not include Stephen King books and movies simply because they don’t very as much and they are super long. Right now I am going to work with short reads, like Twilight (Yes I loved those books!), Hunger Games, Lord of the Flies, and more that I just can’t be bothered to think about right now. If you have any suggestions let me know! 

Now, if you will excuse me, it’s time that I put my hand made agenda to use and figure out a plan to do all the things I need and want to do.

Dreams…What Does it All Mean?

First, I would like to apologize for not having part of my short story up.  This week got away with me with all the excitement of a new job and I never got around to writing it. To make up for it I will try my best to have two parts next week.  Hopefully I can pull it off.  Of course, if I just crack down on myself it will totally be possible.

On to my topic today. Dreams.  Not the dreams we strive for, like becoming a published author, or owning my own bakery.  I’m talking about the wonderfully vivid dreams we have when we close our eyes at night…or during to day for naps.  The dreams that we have no control over unless you have gone through some kind of training to control them.  The dreams that tease us with the things we want and make it feel so real that you sometimes can’t tell if it was a dream or not.

I have a lot of vivid dreams.  They are full of monsters, distress, romance, and just plain nonsense.

Last night I had a dream that I was some kind of monster that hid as a human.  When I got angry or scared I would transform into this monster like thing with long nails, reptile skin, and could climb up walls.  I was a part of some kind of organization that helped others like me.  Not an X-Man kind of thing, we were all monsters hidden as humans.  I was learning to control my change and found that there were way more people like me than I thought.

I some how ended up back at headquarters with new knives for throwing.  I shared with you all once that I one of my hobbies is throwing knives, so this part at least made sense.

Headquarters ended up being home and I met up with my boyfriend who had no idea that I was some kind of monster.  Then there was a baby that belonged to someone, that I ended up taking care of.

It was just a mess of scenes that didn’t connect, but when I woke up I was just annoyed and angry.  I’m not even sure what part I was angry about.  The part where I was actually someone important or different, or the part where I had a cute boyfriend.

I know, I complain a lot about the whole single situation.  It’s not as bad as I make it out to be, I just feel like I am missing out on something.

Back to dreams.

All of my dreams seem to be this mess of chaos.  Everything happens within seconds and I try so hard to hang on to the dreams.  Which might actually be the reason I wake up in a bad mood.  I am trying to hold on to something, just to watch it slip through my fingers.

Do you think dreams mean anything? My most vivid dreams I always look up meanings of the things that stand out the most in my dreams. Though, I can never find a sure answer because my dreams are so strange.

On the bright side, my dreams do make for some interesting stories. Sometimes I will wake up still filling in the details of the dream that wasn’t there.  Things that I think should have happened or made sense with the non-sense dream I just had.

Do you have vivid dreams?  Do you write them down or try to remember them?  Do they frustrate you?  Do you sometimes forget what happened in real life and what happened in your dream?  I would love to hear your opinions on dreams.

Wrong Time Zone

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I hate mornings.  Hate them with a passion so fierce it burns within.  If I have to get up too early in the morning I am a walking Zombie the rest of the day.  I just can’t do mornings.  I come alive around 3 in the afternoon and go until about 6 the next morning. Or, I would if the world wasn’t so against me.  Those are my hours and I can’t change it, believe me, I have tried!

My last job I had to be at work at 7 am every day.  That meant I had to be up by at least 5:30 to get ready and out of the house on time to get there.  I did this for two years and I never got used to it.  It’s just not possible to change a night owl.

The other day while at the gym with a friend we were watching the news while using the massage chairs.  This was after an hour work out and I knew it would help my neck.  One of the newscasters were in a different state and I realized how early it was for them compared to the time in my own state.  Now, this is nothing new to me, I do understand time zones and all that jazz.  But at that moment the idea finally hit home!

What if I am not a morning person because I am living in the wrong place.  Maybe I am supposed to be living in a different state, or even a different country!  Where my odd hours wouldn’t be odd anymore.  Would my body stay the same and get up and go to bed around the same time?  Or would my mind change with the times and I end up right where I originally started?  Does any of this even make sense outside of my own head?

This had me thinking about something else.  I have been raised to believe that everything happens for a reason and for the most part my life is somewhat predetermined.  What if my disagreement with mornings is my sign or nudge to move on to something else, start a new life somewhere else?  What if my soul mate lives in a state where my odd hours are not odd, because of the time difference?

Yes, everything always comes back to love, I can’t help it.

After sharing this with my friends on Facebook, we figured out the truth.  I am not in the wrong time zone.  When I was 18 I was bitten by a vampire, who then left me to figure things out on my own.  Because I am not human, but a princess from Pluto, my change was different from a human vampires change.  I can walk in the day light, I have to eat food to sustain me, and I don’t need blood.

I should be careful, the vampires are going to be looking for me so they can experiment on me.  For all I know, they have already wiped out everyone on my home planet (which is not Pluto, because Pluto is only a ship) and that is why I am still stuck on earth.  My family can’t come get me because they are dead, or being harvested by vampires from earth.

Trying to Figure it Out

Depression

I just wanted to write a quick blog for today.  I haven’t had much to say lately because I have been dealing with my own demons.  I have had to figure out some things, find out where I was going.  I have been questioning a lot of things, like am I meant to be a writer.

Hopefully that helps you other writers out there see how dark my mind has become.  Some people write for fun.  Other write to calm and soothe the voices that all talk at once.  I am the one who writes for the voices.  I also write for fun, but it’s mostly to keep myself sane.  But this thought lead me to more things that I needed to see in my own life.

Everyone says that I work hard for my dreams.  They say that I am smart and that I just keep going.  And I don’t blame them for thinking this.  I do a mean impression of someone who is okay.  But the reality of the matter is, I give up all the time.  I get tired of fighting so hard and getting no results, so I just give up.

My new goal in life is to finish things I start.  I started this path to become a published author and I am going to finish it.  I started this path to become healthy and fit, I am going to finish it.  I get tired just thinking about it.

It’s funny, I watch other people and see how things come so easy to them.  I feel like everything in my life has been a struggle.  I have fought for everything that I have and I watch as others are handed everything.  Granted, I do appreciate everything I have much more since I have worked so hard for it, but sometimes it would be nice to be handed something awesome.

At least I think that sometimes.  There is a saying that says “If you didn’t fight for it, it’s not worth having.” Or something like that.

What needs to happen in my life is I am going to have to fight this constant state of fatigue.  I am going to have to push forward and stop using the excuse that I am tired.  I use it a lot…but I am always tired.

The past few weeks I have let light slip through my fingers.  I have hid my depression in sleep.  I have spent more money than I should.  I deal with the darkness of my mind in all the wrong ways.  I hid in sleep and shopping.  And that is a problem.  One, my bank account is getting pretty bare.  Two, I am missing out on something, I just don’t know what.

I know all the people reading this blog are probably tired of reading about my depression.  You are probably rolling your eyes and thinking “are we still on this?”  Don’t worry, I am rolling my eyes too, because I can’t believe I am still dealing with this mess.  Also, I am sorry that my blogs have not been entertaining lately.  This is how I deal when I am awake.  I write it all out.  My thoughts are every where.  It is chaos.  Hopefully, things are going to start to change starting this weekend.

Pixel Update

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I am always trying to think of a quick blog for Sunday’s.  Something that won’t take up a lot of time for me or my readers.  So today I am just going to give you an update on Pixel!

Firs of all, this puppy wakes up way to early!  Every day she seems to wake up earlier than the last.  This morning she was up at 7:30am.  Why!?  Being a night owl and so not a morning person I grumble as I get out of bed to take her outside.  If I don’t she will find somewhere in my bedroom to take a potty break and I hate cleaning that up.

I think she is getting up with the sun.  One day I will invest in black out curtains for my windows and see how that works out for her.  Maybe I can get more sleep then.  Though, if I let her sleep in the bed she sleeps longer.  Because she had worms I was making her sleep in her bed and decided to keep it that way.  I sleep most of the night with the bed to myself.  On days that I am super tired, around 9:30am, I will let her get in the bed with me just so I can sleep more.  Is that bad?

I have officially taught Pixel to sit!  I am so excited.  My last dog, Spartacus, had to learn tricks later in life because I didn’t want to teach him and neither did anyone else.  I taught Spartacus how to sit and that was where his training ended.  Pixel is well on her way to learning to fetch now!  She will go after the ball a few times and bring it back, but she gets distracted very easily.  I can accept that, she is just a puppy after all.

She is worm free!! Yes! She goes back to the vet in about two weeks, but she is officially worm free.  And I am really close to having her house trained.  There are still a few accidents.

I have read a lot of training tips for house training a puppy.  It seems that they can only hold their bladder an hour for every month old they are.  Pixel is 3 months old today!! But I still take her out every 2 hours, that way there are no accidents.  She does get punished for using the bathroom in the house, but only if I had recently taken her out.  If I forget to take her out and she relieves herself in the house, that is my fault.  Though, she does have puppy pads all through the house that she will use randomly.

Last thing.  Having a puppy has been fantastic for me!  Because she can not get in the bed anymore, I am not laying in bed all day.  I feel bad that I am just watching TV while she is whining because she want’s to be with me.  I am also getting out of bed earlier.  I used to sleep until 12 or 1pm every day.  Now I am up between 9:30 and 10am.  Though, today I slept a little extra and got up at 11.

Then there is the exercise.  Because of this wonderful puppy I am outside every two hours waiting for her to use the bathroom and training her to fetch.  Losing my job and getting a puppy might be the greatest things that have happened in my life so far.  It was the two things that helped me reach for my dreams, lose weight, and get healthy!