I realize that my blog has been very inadequate lately. In all reality, it started dying about August on 2016. I don’t know where my head has been. I mean, my head hasn’t been here mentally. Physically, I go through the motions of everyday life, just the things that will keep me going, like eating, sleeping, and going to work. I think I have become a good little actress, pretending to be present when my mind has been so far away. Hiding from something maybe. Well, I know what I have been doing. I have been battling demons. Battling demons and digging my way out of deep holes of…depression, regret, anxiety?
There is also the issue with the fact that I have been dealing with what to post. I want to post things that are meaningful. I want to inspire people with my words, because it’s all I have to offer. I have written book reviews, movie reviews, and little tidbits about TV shows I am interested in. I have written short stories and random ramblings. But what does it all mean? What is the purpose? I have a few hundred followers, but not many that even comment on a post. Which I deserve because I don’t comment much on other blogs myself. But it also means that things I have been saying just don’t mean much to others.
I am facing the music. When I sit down to write a book review, I am not writing about the author, the structure, or the tone of the book. I am writing about the story, which means I pretty much love everything I read. As a writer myself, I know the work that goes into writing a story. I have that in the back of my mind with every book I read. Usually what I read is exactly what I wanted to read. I don’t get stuck too much on the structure, the proper use of this or that, or any of the technical stuff, so what am I really adding to the world with my review?
It’s the same thing with movie reviews, though, I tend to be a little more critical with movies. Mainly horror movies because that is my genre of choice. I always feel like I have more to say about a movie than a book and sometimes that just makes me feel like an idiot. I feel like, maybe I am not getting what I should be getting from books. But who is to say what I am actually supposed to get from books? I read for pleasure just as I watch movies for pleasure.
What it all boils down to is what am I writing this blog for? Who am I trying to fool with a review here and there? What is my purpose for this blog? I have had so many blogs in the past and they have always been about feelings and what I have been doing. This blog started off with stories of how awkward I am and some how came to this point where it was about reading and writing. Can I really have a blog that is just about that? I want to say my life is about more than reading and writing, but here lately that is basically all it is. I don’t do much more than that.
With that being said, I am learning to listen to the world. I am hearing things that people say. I am on a journey to learn how to control my temper and my urges. By urges I mean eating, sleeping, and just laying around. My urges to be lazy. Nothing crazy like hiding bodies in my closet…don’t look in my closet.
I am trying to get a handle on myself and become more of a well rounded adult…isn’t that the adult thing to do? Not that I am much of an adult, trust me, age is just a number. I am a reader, writer, and a dreamer. I will always have my head in the clouds and a story waiting to bust through. But I want to be more than just that. I want to be…
Truth is, I don’t know what I want to be. I want to be a published author. I want to be healthy. I want to be fun and outgoing.
Okay, so maybe I do know what I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there.
So, while my blog will continue to be about my writing and what I am reading, it will become more. It will be about movies that I absolutely loved…or hated. It will be about my new passions and old. It will be about how things in my life change and how they stay the same. It will be about me pushing my own limits and stepping up to my full potential.
I just don’t know how to make it all happen, or how to put it into words that people want to read. I am a writer though, and I will figure it out.