Short Story: Soul Collectors (Part 5)

Love and Chaos

 

To catch up to now, check out my Short Story Page to find the rest of the Soul Collectors Story.

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I was not looking forward to seeing Lilith.  I had met her once.  It wasn’t an unpleasant meeting, but she is manipulative and she wants what she wants.  She might actually be a little bit loony and I had no idea how Naolin planned on finding her.  No one found her, she found you when she wanted you for something.

I came across her on a job.  She decided that she wanted me.  To know that someone as beautiful as Lilith wants you is usually a good thing.  But not when it is Lilith herself.  I have seen demons and angels that have fallen in her path.  The men that she wanted the second she saw them, but grew tired of them just as fast.  She would use them up and they would become addicted to her like she was some kind of drug.  When she let them go they were beyond help.  They would wither away and become shells of what they used to be.  Most of these men, angel or demon, end up in hell with all the other demons that have been killed.

I had to kill one of those men.  He was my best friend and I watched as he deteriorated over the course of his relationship with Lilith.  She is like a vampire, only living on souls instead of blood.  He followed her like a puppy dog, and she used him as such.  I have never seen anything so disturbing.  He waited on her hand and foot and I once witnessed her use him as a chair.  After she grew tired of him he lost his mind and started taking souls to her as an offering.  Nothing was ever good enough and I had to kill my best friend to save the souls he was putting in danger.

You can imagine that I was far from ready to see Lilith again.  I began to question Naolin’s role in Lilith’s game.  How does one become owed by Lilith?  The woman who does what she wants, when she wants, and cares nothing about the people she hurts.

“Lilith.”  Naolin called the sky.  The sun was starting to set again.  We had been walking all day because flying would draw too much attention from heaven.  We had stopped deep in the forest.  The trees above had opened up to let in a little sunlight, but everything outside of the light remained dark.

“Naolin.”  A voice said from behind me.  I turned to face the woman, catching my breath as I met the peridot green eyes that stared at me.  I watched as a smile stretched across her face.  She flipped her blond hair behind her shoulder and licked her ruby red lips.  “Have you brought me a gift?”  She asked, stepping closer to me.  I watched her hand reach out and cringed when her fingers stroked my jaw.  “I have wanted this one for a long time now.”

“Lilith, hands off.”  Naolin said.  She stepped between us with her back to me.  “I came for that favor you owe me.”

“That offer has expired.”  Lilith turned away from us.  I heard her growl before she took a deep breath.

“Lilith, please.”  Naolin pleaded.  “Heaven has made prisoners out of all the angels.  I need your help setting them free.”

“Why don’t you get Michael’s help, he likes to fight.”

“He has been chained up in the dungeons.”

“Heaven has a dungeon?”  I asked.  The more I learned the less I liked the idea of heaven.

“Of course they have dungeons.”  Lilith said.  She walked around Naolin and brushed her hand across my chest.  “I think you would look better without a shirt.”  She pulled at my shirt.  I knew this was going to happen.  I knew she was going to remember her attraction to me as soon as she saw me.  “I have seen the dungeons personally.  I was a very naughty girl.”

“Lilith, get away from him.”  Naolin almost growled.  I wanted to smile, but I was afraid to move.  It was easy now to think that Naolin had growing feelings for me.  We had only been together for two days, but love happens instantly for some people.  Was it so wrong to think an angel and a demon could fall in love?  Then my common sense kicked in, I was the only person willing to help her at the moment, of course she would keep me from Lilith.

“How cute, little Nao has a crush.”  Lilith said, poking out her bottom lip in a pout.  “Such a shame that it won’t work out.”

“I came to you for help, just as you came to me for help all those years ago.  I didn’t hesitate to help you.”  Naolin’s cheeks had turned red.

“Not until you admit you are attracted to the handsome demon standing beside you.”

“Fine, yes.  I find him attractive.”  Naolin said in a rush of air.  I stared at her unable to think of anything to say.

“Good.”  Lilith said giggling and clapping her hands.  “It was a match made in…”  She paused.  “Okay, not in heaven.  It’s kind of forbidden, but that won’t matter when I am done.”

“What are you going to do?”  Naolin asked.

“I don’t know.  First I need Gabriel.”

“Gabriel is only a messenger.  And he isn’t allowed out of heaven either.  All of the angels are banned from leaving.”

“There is always a way out, dear Naolin.”  A man said from the shadows.  “I mean, you escaped.  Obviously a messenger angel would have several ways out of heaven.”  The man stepped up to Naolin and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug.

“Gabriel, I am so glad you escaped.”  Naolin said, returning his hug.  “We need to get more out.”

“We are working on it.”  Gabriel said as he straightened and brushed his shoulder length, black hair out of his face.

“Who all is working on it?”  I asked, able to speak again after the shock of Naolin’s confession.

“Many angels and demons are working together to resolve this issue.  Maybe you should go home, demon.  There is no need for you to be in this.”

“His name is Kyson, and he stays.”  Naolin said, wrapping her warm fingers around my hand.  Heaven and hell were breaking all the rules, and I was just a demon in love, trapped in the middle of chaos.

Book Review: Her Mad Hatter By Marie Hall

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I have always loved Alice in Wonderland.  It’s a lot like my mind, nothing really makes sense, but it all makes sense.  Everything is a little crazy and chaotic, but it some how works for me.  So, Alice in Wonderland just fit in my life.  Syfy has done a rendition of it and called it Alice.  That was probably the moment that I fell in love with the Hatter.  This crazy, messed up man who no one really understood.  He was funny and he liked tea! Then Tim Burton came along and did his own rendition of Alice in Wonderland, and the Hatter became Johnny Depp.  A man that I have been in love with since I was…well, since forever!

So you can see why I was drawn to this book.

Synopsis 

Hatter is going a little mad.  More than usual.  All he needs is love and there is only one woman for him.  Her name is Alice, but not just any Alice will do.  It is up to Danika, a fairy to the great big bads of the fairy world, to find the right Alice and save the Hatter before Wonderland eats him alive.

My Opinion 

I almost feel like I can not comment on this book.  I love the Hatter and Alice in Wonderland.  I want to fall down a rabbit hole one day and find my perfect world, a world that responds to me being there.  Am I really qualified to say anything about this book?

Marie Hall has opened up the rabbit hole and allowed us to fall in.  She has showed us that dealing with the Hatter is not going to be an easy task, and only one girl can control or help him.  You want to hate Alice for being that girl because you want to be that girl.

I seriously loved this book.  It was way too short and I am not a big fan of sex scenes, but there was only one in this book.  And it was tasteful, in a way.

I would recommened this book to anyone that has loved Alice in Wonderland in any form.  This is also the first book in Marie Hall’s series Kingdom Series.  I will be reading the others, because I love a twist on my favorite fairy tales.  One day the world will run out of ways to turn a fairy tale into something new, but today is not that day.

Have you read this book?  Tell me what you think about it.

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother's day

In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I would talk about the awesome woman that I call mom.

I struggle with telling people face-to-face how I feel about them.  I am, and always will be, a writer.  I can write better than I can speak and hopefully my mom has come to understand this.  Which I think she has.

Most kids go through a stage where they don’t want to be around their mom and mom just doesn’t know what she is talking about.  I like to think that I never gave my mom too much trouble, I have always had too much respect for her.

When I was younger, life got a little hard.  Not a lot of people can deal with the things my family went through.  Not a lot of women would stay with their husband who had been injured and could no longer work.  My mom was there through it all.  She stuck by my dad’s side through the darkest moments. Not only did she stay by my dad’s side but she also stayed strong for me and my brother. I don’t remember ever seeing her cry.

No matter how bad things got my mom made sure my brother and I had everything we needed and a lot of what we wanted.  She even puts up with my dad when his temper gets a little short.  She was the buffer for us when my dad blew up.  My dad isn’t abusive he just gets really scary when he gets mad.  My mom is probably the only person that can calm the beast. lol

My mom has taught me the value of life.  She has taught me to cherish the small things.  She has even taught me to question everything I want to buy because impulse buys will always get you in trouble.  Except when it comes to books.  I am sure she is trying to figure out a way to help me break my book addiction…sorry mom, I don’t think it’s going to happen.

My mom is one of my best friends.  I will always value her opinion over everyone else’s and she will always be the first person I think about when I have extra money and feel the need to get some one a gift.  She has made sure my brother and I have had a great life, even if it meant she had to suffer a little bit.  Even now that we are grown adults she will put us first.  That’s why it’s important to us kids to make sure we take care of her when we can.

I have learned so much from my mom and I don’t even think she realizes half of what that is.  I respect myself because of her.  I know my worth because of her.  I know that I am beautiful and smart because of her.  I know that I will always be loved because of her.  She is probably the only person that can put up with and keep up with my crazy mind.  She is also, possibly, the only person who knows how to get my head out of the clouds.

The thing is, if I can be half the woman she is, I know that I will be okay in life.

So, Mom, I know you are reading this because you are my biggest fan no matter what it is I am writing.  I just want you to know how much I love you. I know a lot of people tell others they love them “to the moon and back.”  But I don’t think that covers how much I love, respect, and look up to you. Thank you for always having my back, for always loving me no matter how crazy I get, for being the best mom anyone could ask for.  I mean, how many moms would be okay with their 28 year old, unemployed daughter slum it for a few months without telling me to get a job everyday?  How many moms encourage their kids to follow their heart, even when that means I may not make a lot of money right now?

You could totally win mother of the year every year, but I don’t want to share you with the world.  It’s bad enough that I have to share you with my friends that see first hand how awesome you are.  And you are not just an awesome mom, but an awesome person as well.

I could put so much more here about my mom.  So many things that I love about her and want to thank her for, but I don’t think the internet has enough room.

I’m sorry I don’t say it enough.

Love you mom! Happy Mother’s Day.

Blowing off Steam

Plenty_Of_Fish

Forgive me for this totally random post, but this is a blog about my awkward life and I shall use it for everything.

As some of you already know, I am single.  Others of you may have seen a blog or two about the fact that I am still a virgin.  Yes, I am 28 with no sexual experience.  In fact, I have never even been kissed before.

Think what you must of me, but I do have a few pictures within my blog.  I don’t think I am an ugly girl, in fact I think I am rather gorgeous. Yes…I will own up to it!  Especially since my acne seems to be clearing up.

Anyways, I have chosen to be a virgin and I plan to keep it that way until I am married.  At least that is the plan right now.  Some people think that I may possibly change my mind once I fall in love.  Who knows, but as of now this is me.  The whole never been kissed thing is probably because I was never very confident in myself and failed to see when any guy might be flirting with me.  I am still completely blind to when a guy flirts with me.  This has led to a life of singleness.  Never had a boyfriend, unless you count the two online relationships that lasted maybe a month.  One ended because the guy was a bit of a player, the other ended because I thought it meant more to me then it meant to the guy.  Typical I guess.

The other day I got tired of my single status and I did something crazy.  It’s something that I always do when I start feeling like I will be single forever.  I signed up for a dating site.  A lot of people use these sites, and a lot of people have found their husbands and wives on these sites.  It’s the new thing.  You get to know someone online and then meet them in person.  Fall in love. BAM! Get married.

I was not meant to be one of the lucky ones.  Nope, it just isn’t working for me.

Before I go any further let me say, I have met a few great guys on a dating site and who knows what will come out of those friendships.  But it’s so rare that I find a nice guy.

I have also met some really jerks.  And this is where my virginity comes into play.

Here comes my rant…please put your seat belts on and keep your hands inside the ride at all times.

For some reason the fact that I am a virgin means that I am on dating sites to find some guy to sleep with.  Evidently the word “virgin” flips a switch in a males brain that convinces him that I need “help” with my “situation.”  It also leads some people to think that I am some religious extremist that can not see the world with an open mind.

Neither of these are true.  My virginity is part of a promise that I made myself when I was younger.  I promised myself that I would save myself for marriage and there are benefits to this. One, I won’t get some kind of random STD because I am sleeping with who ever comes around.  Two, I won’t end up with a kid when I am not ready.  Three, I will have something amazing to offer to the man I marry.

I am in no way dissing you if you think different.  I am cool with what ever life people want to live.  It is your life, and this is mine.

I have also run into the problem that when I tell a guy that I am a virgin he instantly stops talking to me.  I don’t get that…guys are always talking about how they want a good honest girl.  I am a good honest girl so where is my reward? And by reward I mean a great guy who doesn’t feel the need to sleep with a girl he went on one date with.

I know it sounds like I am clumping all guys into one category.  I don’t mean to, it just seems like the only guys I meet are the same.  The only guys that want anything to do with me see me as some kind of conquest.

Oh, and let’s not forget how offended a guy gets when you turn him down.  Sir, I read your profile and I don’t think we would get along.  I am not the girl you are looking for.  I am trying to say this nicely, but you have forced me to pull out my witch mode. 

Again, I have met some great guys, but it never seems to go anywhere.  Someone please tell me what I am doing wrong.  Am I too nice?  Too innocent?

UGH!! *Screams into pillow.*

When did the search for love become so complicated and muddied with crap?

*Rant over*

Thanks for riding the rant roller coaster.  If you made it to the end, congratulations.  A cookie has already been added to your internet browser. Thank you, come again.

Do any of you have dating advice or horror stories from dating?  Or even stories of how great things turned out for you in the department of love.  I could use some hope that things do sometimes work out!

What Does it Mean to be Human?

I was listening to a song the other day on the radio.  It is a song by Christina Perri and the song is called Human.  The lyrics that stand out is the line that says “But I’m only human.”  This got me thinking, what does it mean to be human?  Do we even know what it means anymore?

Being human once meant that we stopped and helped a stranger in need.  Sometimes we would put our own safety aside for the safety of others.  We would stop by our neighbors house and check on them, because there were only you and the neighbor for 5 miles.  When someone new moved into the neighborhood, we would go welcome them and get to know them.  At one point, no one was a stranger, because no one gave them time to be a stranger.

But did this make us human?

Now days we fly by a woman stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire because “we don’t have time.”  People will walk by a child who seems to be wandering around without their parent.  I have lived in the same place for 11 years and I don’t know a single neighbor, and they live a few feet away from me.  I meet strangers everyday and avoid eye contact in case they try to talk to me.

Does this make us human?

Again I ask the question, do we even know what it means to be human?

It seems that human has become the word for cruelty.  The definition of human is flesh and blood, with great minds that are used to destroy the few good things we have in this life.

I am not saying that every person is evil, but we seem to have lost our backbones.  We have become a world of invisible bubbles.  We try our best not to get close to one another and we avoid eye contact.  Some people walk around with headphones covering their ears as a “do not disturb” sign.

You see stories everyday about animals who help other animals, or animals who seem more human then people.  It seems that long ago we decided that the word human meant kindness, trust, reliable, and love.  We have lost something over the years.  When an animal is called more human than a human…maybe we should really rethink what we are doing with our lives.  Maybe we should start being more like animals.  The animals who will risk their lives to save their human owner, or the animals that risk their lives to save one another.  You see the stories all the time about how great animals are.  I am tired of seeing stories of great animals.

Our newspapers and magazines should be flooded with great people!  Not criminals.  We should hear about people who pulled over and helped a single mother change a tire so she can get her sick kid to the doctor.  We should hear stories about people who sat with an old lady because she had no family to help her when she fell.

Yeah, we hear those stories sometimes.  But we should hear them everyday.  When people think of humans we think of criminals.  Killers and rapist.  We think of the mothers who kill their kids and the fathers who leave their families.  The world is so full of hate and it’s all because of people.

Maybe we should stop being such humans and become animals…because right now the animals are the only ones holding on to hope, love, and kindness.  Where is our courage?

The Writers Playlist

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I admit it, I read Twilight.  The whole series and I loved it from beginning to end.  I loved how there was a happy ending for just about everyone and I loved that the plain ordinary girl captured the attention of the unattainable guy in school. I even loved how the vampires sparkled.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think vampires should sparkle, but it was the statement behind the sparkle.  It was something evil (though not that evil) presented in a beautiful package to fool you.

While I was obsessed with Twilight (before the movies came out, mind you.)  I would follow Stephenie Meyer’s every move. I was all over her website reading comments and hoping for something new from her.  I was all over her website and I came across her play list.  At first I wasn’t sure what I was looking at other than a bunch of songs that I actually enjoyed. With a little more research I realized that those songs were the songs the author used to help focus on her book.

Until then, I had always written with the sound of a tv in the background, or with some kind of noise my brother was making at the time. (He makes a ton of unnecessary noise.)  I searched for other authors who wrote while listening to music and decided I would try it too.

At first I was too distracted with the music playing, so I stopped.  Recently I have found that I need the music to write.  I have one song that plays on repeat a lot.  At first it was just to drown out the noise of the house…my family are very loud people.  Then it became a necessity to write.  Certain songs just strike my imagination and fire up my motivation.  I don’t always need the music, last night I pounded out a chapter in the novel I am currently working on with nothing but the sound of a fan to block out the television in the living room.

I wonder how many authors use the same method.  It’s great to have your favorite music blasting in your eyes while you lose yourself in your own words.  There is a magic to it.  Even my favorite author Stephen King (he is the master of horror!) has music blaring while he writes, or at least he used to.

Any authors out there listen to music while writing?  If so, what kind of music do you listen to?  Do you have a favorite band that gets the ideas flowing?

Right now my group of choice is Pentatonix.

If Dreams Were Premonitions

I have crazy dreams…like all the time.  It never fails.  I once had a dream that I was training to meet God, by living in a school where “The Mother” studied me until I was ready.  I have had dreams where my family dies, and I always wake up with a heart attack.  I have had dreams that monsters were chasing me, and I have had dreams where I was the monster that was chasing me.  I have dreams where I am everyone in the dream, seeing everything and hearing every thought.  Those are sometimes the worst, too many voices in one mind will drive you crazy.

Then there are the dreams that I wish would come true.  The dreams that I wish were premonitions instead of just dreams.  The dreams about falling in love.

I am, and forever will be, a hopeless romantic.  I am also, and always have been, single.  All I have had are my daydreams, which can sometimes get a little wild…as in, the guy I fall for turns out to be a vampire or something crazy like that.  But my dreams at night are the ones I like the best.  They are the ones I don’t have control over.

Last night I had a dream that the cute guy in my office asked me out.  It was kind of crazy the way it happened.  He walked by my desk, just the way he always does, and smiled.  But he stops, turns around and squats down at the desk so that he is at my eye level.  He smiles his charming (oh so gorgeous!) smile and tells me about a mexican food place up the street.  Then he gets shy and starts stumbling over his words saying he thought it would be nice to go eat there with me. He kept saying it would be just me and him.

Of course, the one thing that I have a problem with in real life, I don’t know when someone is flirting with me.  And guess what…I had the SAME problem in my dream.  For some reason the dream me did not get that this gorgeous guy, with the beautiful smile, was asking me out on a date! In reality I would have known! But dream me had to go stupid!

So, the guy gets up and runs out the door because he thinks that I have just rejected him.  HAHA!! Like I would reject this guy!

I wish that some dreams, not all, were premonitions.  That my dream last night was getting me ready for the cute guy in the office, so I would better compose myself when it really happened.

Of course, the gnomes will do everything in their power to embarrass me and the fairies will steal the cute guy away.  No human man can resist the beauty of a fairy…unless he isn’t human! I mean, his smile just can’t be human!  Maybe I can snag this one, and he can rescue the damsel in distress (me!), from the horrors of the fairy tale world that has leaked into reality.

Told you my day dreams went a little haywire.

Where is my Beauty?

I was going to share the recipe and the steps I took to make a giant cookie today.  But then something came up and I found that I have something to get off my chest.  It’s something that always crosses my mind, and I ponder on it for a while, then give up.

I am over weight.  I have always been a chunky girl, and until about 5 years ago, I just didn’t care.  I remember in high school I would eat a peanut butter twix (before they started using the chocolate cookie in them.) and a Dr. Pepper for lunch every day.  My best friend would eat the same thing, but she was a little skinny mini and it didn’t effect her.  I hated gym and anything that made me do any exercise other than walking to my next class.  I was lazy, ate what I want, and just didn’t care.

But I did care.  I hated being fat, but I didn’t know how to change.  I was a teenager and the internet was not nearly as big as it is now…I know how shocking that sounds.  My internet surfing in high school consisted of checking my AOL email and sneaking into chat sites that my mom told me to stay out of (which was all of them).  I didn’t search for new websites or information.  The internet was still a new thing.  It’s amazing how much things change in such a short time.

So, I was the fat, depressed, gothic girl that hid in the shadows until my friends drug me along with them.  I hated what I looked like and I blamed my weight on not having a boyfriend.  I thought I was just too fat to find love.  Yet, there were girls bigger than me that were always dating.  Of course, most of the time those girls were having sex with guys to keep them around.  Don’t miss understand me, I am not saying they were whores that “slept their way to the top.”  It’s just usually how things went down.  I was a virgin (still am!) and all the guys knew it.  It’s never been something I have hid.

Sorry, I got off topic.  The point is, the point of this whole thing, it’s not okay for me to be fat.  But it is okay for anyone else to be fat.  I have looked at overweight women and thought “She is so pretty!”  But when I look in the mirror I think “I am a blob of ugly.”  So why, in my mind, is it okay for others to be overweight, but not me?  Why am I so much harder on myself than I am others?  Why can I not be pretty and overweight too?

I keep telling myself that if I could afford the plus size clothes that were cute, I could be okay with my weight.  And sometimes I still blame my weight for my horrific condition of singledomness.  It should be a real thing!

I do have moments where I look in the mirror and think “I am really pretty today.”  Okay, it happens a lot, but only when I am alone.  When I am around others I want to sink into the shadows and hope no one notices how awful I look.

I am trying now to lose weight.  But I always stop to think “Why am I really doing this?”  What is a good reason to lose weight?  To be healthy, right?  But am I trying to lose weight to be healthy, or so I can feel worthy of falling in love?  And, is my mind the reason I am still single?  Do I have some kind of block that doesn’t allow me to see when someone is interested?  It’s all in my mind…I am actually just like the other overweight, but beautiful women, but for some reason I can’t accept that.

I thought that writing all this down would help.  Sadly, I now have a headache and no closer to a reason as to why I can’t see myself as beautiful.

Happy Birthday To Me

I took a break yesterday, seeing as it was my birthday.  I am officially two years away from being 30.  With that in mind, I started thinking about my life, where I am in life, and where I want to go in life.  Luckily, I am kind of sort of on track with where I want to be.

My biggest dream has always been to be a well known author.  I just want people to read my stories.  I self published my first book last year and I have been working on my second book this year.  I started taking some classes on freelance writing to improve my writing as far as grammar and sentence structure goes.  I would like to try to go the more traditional route and have a publisher pick up my work.  I think it’s good enough for the masses, I just have to perfect it.  I am my biggest critic though, and it’s never perfect to me.  I just want to prove to myself that I can capture the eye of the publishers.

My newest dream, a dream I just discovered, I want to own my own bakery.  I want to make cakes, pies, cake pops, pastries.  I want to do it all.  I will be starting next month with some cake decorating classes, and as you have seen on my blog, I am experimenting with new recipes. It’s something that I have a passion for.  It’s fun to put your heart into a cake or cake pops.  In the end you have a beautiful work of art that people will admire 10 seconds before they devour it.  Then their eyes will light up with how amazing it taste!  Even though my art doesn’t last forever, it will bring joy into someones life.

There are things in my life that I need to work on.  I want to be in the best shape ever by time I turn 30.  I want to be one of those gorgeous 30 year olds that enjoys everything in life.  I want to be a runner and a health nut.  That gives me two years to get this whole fitness thing down!

Yesterday was such an amazing day.  I was center of attention, which as a Leo, I loved!  But it wasn’t just about being center of attention.  For most of my life I have felt like an outsider. I always felt there was no where I belonged.  I thought that the only people who would love me unconditionally would be my parents and my brother.  I have family that tend to forget about me, and I am sure they somewhat hate me too.  I don’t know why, I have always been a good person.

I had so many birthday wishes posted on Facebook.  Everyone at work was telling me happy birthday.  I even got a card and cookies from work.  My favorite part of the day was going to church.  I have always been such a closed off person.  I find it really hard to let people in, and at church last night I realized, my walls have started to fall.  These wonderful people that I have met and become friends with are slowly chipping away and this wall built with fear and sometimes hate.  The students of the youth group just melt it away like it was nothing.  I am learning to love again.  I am learning to trust again.  I am learning that I am no longer alone in this world, and I never really was.  I have a group of people who are not blood related, that love me more than some of my blood related family does.  And it’s nice to wake up and see what has been there waiting for me to see.  A family that choose to love me because its what they do.

Irrational Fears

I have a bit of a confession for everyone tonight.  I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and never even held a boys hand.  But that isn’t the confession.

I told people for years that I was just too busy for a relationship.  I told them I needed to focus on my studies so I could get a good job and depend on myself.   That’s not the confession either.

The confession, I am absolutely terrified to date.  Not just the dating, but the whole flirting part.  The part where I get super close and comfy with someone that I don’t mind letting them invade my personal space.

Seriously, at my age, dating should be easy.  I should have gone a million dates, and kissed at least a few guys.  Heck, at least flirted a bit.  Oh, I flirted online, I was good at flirting online.  That was safer, no one could actually see me and I couldn’t stumble on my words.  When you flirt online, you write words.  That means you think about it, type it, read it, and change it when it sounds completely retarded.  In real life you can’t take back stupid words and you can’t hide the fact that you just stuttered.  Real life people can also see you blush. Yep, real life kind of sucks.

I am naturally awkward.  I have been the awkward weird girl all my life.  It doesn’t make it easy to make friends at all.  The friends I do have went through a lot of crap just to call me a friend.  I live in a world where fairies and dragons exist.  I have this wild fantasy that a vampire will find me one day.  And I won’t have to make him fall in love with me because he is already in love with me.  We just click, the end.  No silly dating and strange phone calls.

So there.  I have never been in a relationship because the idea terrifies me.  It’s even hard for my family to know me, how is some random guy going to get to know me.  Especially when I keep everyone at a distance.  I tend to push people away, just so they don’t get too close.  Yeah, it happens all the time in movies.  The girl pushes everyone away but there is that one guy that forces his way into her life and she falls in love with him.  At this point, that is what is going to happen to me.

I can’t even talk to a guy I find attractive, as I am sure I have already mentioned in a blog before.  I wouldn’t know what to do on a date.  My palms would sweat so I couldn’t hold his hand.  He would lean in for a kiss and I would be completely oblivious to his intentions.  Or, he would lean in for a kiss and I would giggle, then he would get all self conscious, and wonder what he has done wrong.  Then there is the chance that I could be head over heels for the guy, but not know how to show it and he would stop talking to me because he doesn’t think I am interested.

Why does the idea of dating have to be so confusing and scary.  Maybe it’s not even the dating thing that worries me, just the idea of letting someone get close.  There is also the fear of being completely crushed.

Of course, my fear doesn’t stop me from dreaming.  But my day dreams usually start with the guy bluntly telling me he is into me and wants to take me on a date.  On the date he will tell me he wants to hold my hand and he will ask if he can kiss me.  Everything straight forward because I am not good with hints.

I think I am doomed.  I should just go ahead and start planning adoption, because at this rate I will never get married.

Go on, laugh.  It really is kind of funny.  Sad, but funny.