Damsel In Distress

Damsel In Distress

Hello Friends,

I realize that it has been a while. Things have been tough. I thought I had a handle on things, and I thought I was going to be okay, but I wasn’t and I’m not. I am not okay.

My dad has been gone 6 weeks now. It still hurts and I still can’t believe it happened. I lost my love for writing and reading. I lost my love for TV. The only thing I kept was my love for music, but even that caused problems. I had to listen to things that didn’t remind me of my dad…which was kind of hard because my dad loved music to.

This past week I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t okay. I admitted that I may actually need therapy, to talk to a professional. I admitted it to my mom and my brother. And now I admit it to you and the rest of the world. I need help. And it’s okay that I need help. It’s not okay to continue trying to take care of things myself. Somethings you just need a little help getting through. Especially something this hard.

Today, I wrote a poem and actually finished it. It’s something I haven’t done in a very long time. I usually write poetry in my very dark moments. And this is probably the darkest moment of my life. So, for those of you still around waiting to hear from the lost and broken Heather…here is a little poem I have written.

Damsel In Distress:
There is no prince charming
There is no white horse
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

There is no secret family
There is no secret fund
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

There is no mother ship
There is no alien planet
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

This isn’t a fairy tale
Life can be a villain
And here we have a damsel
And she is in distress

She has no kiss to awaken her
She has never lost a shoe
She is just a simple damsel
And she is in distress

Living in reality
Lost in fantasy
She is a damsel
And she is in distress

I know I can’t keep waiting
I have to save myself
I am a damsel
And I am in distress

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Visitors From Out of Town: A Trip to Georgia

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This past weekend my uncle and his family came to visit.  Now, I live in South Carolina and my uncle lives in Washington.  The last time I saw this part of my family was six years ago when my grandfather died. They came for the funeral, had dinner with my parents, brother, and I, then returned home.

This time they stayed for a few days.  Long enough to realize how very much I miss them.  It was a visit full of adventure though!

My cousin, Aunt, and myself went to Georgia to visit my aunts friend.  Let me tell you, it was one crazy trip.

It was like a four hour drive there and another four hours back.  Which wasn’t a problem. I love going for rides.  I love taking in all the different billboards and things that end up on the side of the road.  I even discovered where a haunted house type place was.

Once we got to Georgia we picked up my aunts friend and went to eat.  I stuffed myself like a pig and complained about my stomach hurting.  Then, we ended up at the friends brothers house.  And that is where things got a little interesting.

This man was a strange man.  I was creeped out from the moment I saw him.  I have never met this man in my life and the last time my cousin met him, she was too little to even remember him.

This guys home was in the “basement” of a house.  It was more like the garage turned into a basement.  The floor plan was completely open.  The bedroom, living room, and kitchen were all right there.  No walls separating anything except the bathroom.

It wouldn’t have been too terribly creppy if it wasn’t for the fact that there was not a lot of furniture.  There was a couch that looked like it could have stared in a porn.  A bed…no frame. Just the mattress and boxspring.  And the boxspring was still covered in plastic.  There was a tv in front of the porn couch.  There were selves by the door that were completely empty and I didn’t see a single movie case.

The whole basement looked like the set of a porn.  Or what I would imagine a porn set would look like.  Then, my aunt and her friend went outside to smoke, leaving my cousin and I inside with the friend’s brother.

He started talking and just…something about him made me want to run.

My cousin and I ended up outside with the two women.  My aunt hands us the keys to her car and tells us to be back in an hour.  Talk about small favors! I don’t think she knew how relieved we were to get out of there.  We practically ran out of that place.

We found the closest Starbucks and chilled out, laughing about how uncomfortable we were with the friends brother.  And too soon it was time to go back. Unfortunately, neither of us knew the area well. Or at all…We thought we could make it back. But we failed miserably.

We ended up lost in the ghetto of Georgia.

Now, I do not get antsy around a lot of black people.  I have many black friends and have had black friends all my life.  It had nothing to do with the skin color of the people around us as much as the feel of the place.  Everything was run down, dirty, creepy, unsafe for two females in a nice car that just came from Starbucks.  Again, it had nothing to do with the color of their skin, it could have been Hispanics or whites or a mix of all, I still would have freaked out a little bit.

We were lost in Georgia.  We had no idea how to get back to the guys house and the phone service was a little shady.  All of a sudden a nice car pulled up beside us.  All I could think about was the fact that this was probably a drug deal going on.  Something was going to go wrong, a gun would start firing, and my cousin and I would be caught in the middle.

Yes, my mind does terrible things to me! I’m sure if I had gotten out of the car and asked, someone would have been kind enough to point us in the right direction.  Then again, it was raining and we all know that horror/thriller movies start with rain.  It was a heavy storm coming up too!

Luckily, we got in touch with my aunts friend and got the address.  We threw it into google maps and found our way back to my aunt.  Only, it started pouring to the point where we couldn’t see the road.  Add that to the fact that we had no phone service and you have to chicks just a little freaked out.

You would not believe how relieved I was to be back at the creepers house.  It was a nice adventure, but not one that I want to repeat again any time soon.

We had a nice laugh after and I still laugh about it.  It will be a great story to tell to my kids one day. I wish I could say it was one of those defining moments in my life where I learned an important lesson.  The only lesson I learned was to pay more attention to where I am going.

Stuck in a Funk

The past few days have been a little rough…actually the last week has been rough.  Nothing intense has happened.  Nothing exciting.  I’m just stressed and in a dark place.  It was just last week that I posted a blog about fighting my demons.  I thought I had broke through the fog, but it seems that my demons are fighting a little harder this time.

I have been extremely tired and just very unmotivated.  I am up all night fighting panic attacks that are caused just by the thought of going to bed.  Then I am fighting to stay up all day when all I can think about is how tired I am.

It’s funny too, because when I get this way I do dumb things, like signing up for dating sites.  It’s so bad this time that I actually paid for a dating site.

I get up at some point in the morning to take the puppy out for a potty break, then end up back in bed.  I try to do other things, but my fatigue wins out every time.  I will sit at my desk and stare at the screen, waiting for some kind of energy to settle in and give me some kind of spark.

I will lay in bed all day thinking how I should take a shower, go outside and play with the puppy, do some writing, or…anything.  I just have to get out of my bed, but it feels like it would take a tornado lifting me out of bed and throwing me to get me going.

I don’t know what this feeling is or why I can’t seem to fight it this time.  I feel like I am losing a battle.  I even find it hard to know what day it is anymore.  The only thing I have been able to do is blog…and that is done at random times during the day.

I have been trying to find things to keep me going, to get me excited for life again, but I am just so lost.  I wonder if it has to do with me being unemployed, or the fact that I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone or any job.  I am feeling useless and unproductive, and I have no reason to feel this way.

The worst thing, I haven’t even been reading as much!! My favorite thing in the world and I haven’t been doing it!

I have got to get myself out of this hole that I have fallen in.  It’s dark and there is no light, but I can feel the walls.  Dirt walls.  The kind that can be easily dug away to create foot holds to climb out.  I just don’t have the energy to move.