Looking In

The night that my mom took my dad to the hospital replays in my head all the time. You see, that night I sat at the table with my mom, my dad was on the porch smoking. I remember playing with his knife and I pointed at him with the tip of the knife. I was teasing him. He waved at me and I laughed telling my mom that my dad needed more attention then a pregnant woman.

Now looking back at that, I wonder if my dad was waving bye to me. I wonder if he knew at that moment that our lives were about to be destroyed.

I also wonder if my dad is still on the outside looking in. I wonder if my dad is watching his family while we go through this. I wonder if he is hurting for us. I know he wouldn’t have left us if he didn’t have to, if he didn’t have something much more important to do. But I wonder if he is looking in or down at us, watching as we work through our suffering.

The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe I am the one on the outside looking in. Maybe I am peeking through a window at a world that no longer makes sense. I was window shopping for a new life and I was conned into picking a life that wasn’t as advertised.

There are other things about my dads last week with us. Things that happened that make me wonder if maybe…just maybe, if I had a time machine I could go back and save him and save my family the heartache we are going through right now.

The day before my dad went to the hospital his truck died. My mom text me saying “Your daddy’s truck died.” His truck is still sitting in the yard, broken down, needing a new water pump (or so my dad thought.) My parents were supposed to go the next day (the day after he went to the hospital) to get the new part so he could fix his truck.

Maybe a few days before, I posted on Facebook that now that we had a nice new home I thought maybe I needed a new life to go along with it. It was my way of saying I was looking for a new job…but I got a new life alright. A new life that I didn’t expect.

He worked so hard to get us into the home we are in. He was also super quick to get things into the house, things he knew we needed. It was like he was trying to rush us to get everything in and unpacked.

My dad also had more back pain the last week. He has been living with pain for something close to 20 years because he got hurt at work and was disabled. So no one thought it was weird, just that he had been working himself too hard. I wish we would have stopped and thought about it. He died of pancreatitis. Symptoms of that is back pain…back pain. Something my dad had lived with for a very long time. Something that didn’t strike any of us as odd when it got worse because it was normal.

See, this isn’t the first time that our norm has changed. Before my dad became disabled life was good. We had a home. My dad would get out in the yard and play with me and my brother. We lost part of my dad when he got hurt because he couldn’t do all that stuff anymore. Not like he used to. But we still loved my dad. We still loved him and stuck with him even when we were homeless.

It was good for me because where we had lived I had slipped into a really bad depression that was going downhill fast. So fast that I was thinking about killing myself. When my dad got hurt we had to move away and moving away took me away from the people that picked on me. Moving away took me away from all the dark things that made me want to hurt myself. I sometimes blamed myself for my dad getting hurt, because someone knew I needed to get away…and that was the way we had to go.

Life doesn’t make sense! It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair. Why can’t it be fair? Why can’t the man upstairs let people live long and happy lives? So little would have to change for life to be fair. But I guess everyone has a different way of deciding what is fair.

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Reality

Today marks 2 weeks since my dad passed. Sometimes I think the word “died” and it makes it that much worse, so I tell people my dad has passed. He has passed from this world to the next, to what ever we have to look forward too once our earthly bodies can no longer hold us down.

It was a hard day for me. A very hard day. I had to work open to close, around all these people that are going about their day and I am still shattered. I am a picture that has fallen off a while while the home owners are away on vacation, so there is no one to sweep up the pieces. I just lay on the floor broken into a million pieces.

I have thoughts that I shouldn’t have. Thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. But I have so much to do now. My dad gave me a story to write and I have to write it. And it has given me more and more ideas to write. I am a writer and writers do best when they have pain to draw from.

I also fear something happening to my mom and my brother. Anytime I can not see them I fear something has happened. Is there a word for a fear of anyone leaving the house? Agoraphobia is the fear of going outside the house…I feel that developing a little too. But it’s more of a fear of anyone I love leaving my sights.

I looked it up, a fear of loved ones dying is called Thanatophobia. I guess there is a phobia for everything. Before my dad died I had a fear of something going wrong, like if I didn’t love my family enough one of them would be taken away. It’s almost like my heart knew it was about to get hit. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety. I may worry myself to death one day.

I keep thinking how eventually someone is going to die. Someone close to me. And then I think that maybe I don’t want to fall in love or have kids, because that is only more people to grow close to that could die. And maybe my whole life I have been protecting myself from all of this. Maybe that is why I didn’t have too many close friends and I didn’t get to close to a lot of family. Maybe this whole time I have just kept people at a distance so it wouldn’t hurt when someone died. I just thought I had more time with my immediate family. I thought I had more time with my dad.

Isn’t that the problem with everyone though? We all think we have more time, when in reality we are ticking time bombs, waiting to explode and destroy someone’s norm.

Does it make it better when you are close to more people? Does it help if you have more close friends to huddle around you when you lose something so precious? Maybe I only made it worse on myself by not being closer to people. Maybe the more pieces of your heart you give away, the less it hurts when someone dies and takes that piece with them. OR maybe not matter what you do, when a parent dies it just hurts more than anything you have ever experienced in your life.

I wonder sometimes if this all happened for some greater being to show me how minuscule my other problems were, how lame my anxiety issues were. Because it all just seems so stupid now.

We are all ticking time bombs, waiting to explode and destroy someone’s norm.

Recycled Souls

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I have always believed in past lives, reincarnation.  I feel like the life I am living now is not the first and possibly not the last I will live.  Our souls are just recycled, placed into new bodies to experience new things and different types of living.  I like the idea of having a heaven to go to once we die, but in a way it sounds a bit boring.  We spend our entire lives fighting to live and survive, then we grow old and our souls just go sit around somewhere needing nothing and pretty much doing nothing?  How can a soul live for 60, 70, 80 or so years and just sit dormant with the big man upstairs?  I like to think that there are places to see in heaven and things to do, but will it be as adventurous as living life on earth?

I love the idea of having more than one go at life.  Maybe our memories are stored in a jar somewhere, waiting for our return.  It not only sounds fun, but it also leaves with a few questions.  What was I like in my past life?  Where did I live?  What did I learn?  Who did I know?  Who was I?

I like to believe that my life before this one was lived in the 70’s.  I was a hippie that died of an overdose.  Sounds crazy I know, but I am always easy to laugh at dumb things and I am just naturally high on life.  So I died with drugs in my system in a past life, and drugs were the thing in the 70’s.

I also like to think that in another life or even several lives I have been some kind of leader.  I don’t know if I was a queen or just the leader of a small group of people, but I was a leader.  That would explain my undying need to be someone important and to lead a group of important people into battle or something.  I know I was an awesome leader though, because I want to take care of people.

The one thing that I can’t see from my past lives is actually living a long life.  I feel like in all my past lives I have died young.  I don’t even know why I think that, but I find it hard to see myself in this life growing old.  It actually does worry me a bit, but maybe this will be my last life and I will fall in with the vampires and lead them into the light and let the world know they exist. Who knows, maybe there is some kind of supernatural community out there looking for me, for their queen that was killed in battle.  I’m just waiting for my people to find me and fill me in.

It is the life of a dreamer.

What do you think your past life would have been?  Even if you don’t believe in past lives and all that jazzy stuff, open your imagination and make something up!  It’s a fun exercise at least.

Dancing with Robots

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I have noticed that there are a lot of commercials about cars and food.  It seems like that is all commercials are about anymore.  We watch television for entertainment, just for our minds to be injected with images of food, cars, money, and new technology.  No wonder everyone wants to snack while watching their programs.

I saw a commercial yesterday that has struck a nerve with me and I just cant let it go.  I’m not even sure what the commercial is about.  It’s something about fiber optics and technology.  It’s a simple commercial too.  The background is a soothing blue, while words and outlines of images are shown in a brilliant white.  One of the things that the commercial mentions is something about technology making us more human.  To be honest, this is the dumbest thing anyone could possibly think! At least in my opinion.

Technology, while I love it, has been the core reason for a lot of problems now days.  I remember when I was a kid, when I left the house no one could get in touch with me.  Sure, my mom knew where I was, but she couldn’t just call or text my cell phone and ask if I was okay.  We had to rely on phones that were jammed into a wall or couldn’t go too far from it’s charging station.  And if someone wanted to break up with their significant other, it had to be done in person.  Not through e-mail or text messaging.  Even a phone call trumps being dumped by words on a screen.

People think that it’s okay to stay in touch with friends and family with a quick message on Facebook or twitter.  We have friends all across the world that we have never seen face to face.  Yeah, that is fantastic to know people from all over the world, and it’s great to learn about different cultures the moment they change.  It’s great that I can turn on the TV and know what the weather is like in Hawaii.

Technology is great!  But it is also slowly tearing down what makes us human.  Human interaction.  The touch of a hand, the hug from a cousin, and the kiss from a lover.  Instead we are sending little characters that sit on a screen and we pretend that it is enough.

I can see it now.  Some where in the future we will all be living in these bubbles of solitude.  I will have a bathroom, kitchen, and a bed.  Everything will be run by machines and when I want to talk to my best friend I will call her up and her hologram will land in my house.  We will not know what it feels like to touch another human being because that was “so last year.”  We will become the robots ourselves, just going about life living through the images that race across a screen.  Though, if you really think about it we are really close to that already.

I am not saying we should destroy technology and stop growing.  I feel like we should try a little harder to not be so busy that the only thing we have time for is Facetime chat, or a Twitter conversation.

No, technology will not make us more human.  It could possibly make us smarter because information is so easy to find with technology, but if we rely on it too much we will lose what makes us unique and fantastic.  Think about Wall-E.  It took a robot to remind the humans how to be human.  I’m not sure I want to live in that kind of world.  No matter how hard I fight it, I love being close to people, feeling their warmth and fighting away their hugs.  I love being able to look someone in the eye and talk to them.  We are human.  Flesh and blood.  And it might do us some good to put down the technology for a little bit and remember what it’s like to have grass between our toes.

Watch Me

The other day, my mom made the comment that if I was as dedicated to losing weight and watching my diet, as I am to writing, I would be in really good shape.  After thinking about it, I realize she is so right!  I can be super tired, have a raging headache, and want noting more than to sleep, but I make myself get up and write.  I even skipped church a few times to get a little more time to write.  This is new though, I just got back to writing like this.  I am writing anywhere from 2000 to 3000 words a day, and then a daily blog.  Yeah, I missed a few days with the blog, but I don’t plan on that happening again.

I decided I am going to try very hard, to be just as dedicated to my health as I am my writing.  I mean, writing is my passion, it is how I release the stress of every day life.  I dream of days when I actually get paid for doing the one thing I love the most.  I think I would become very lazy though, sitting at the computer all day writing.  Though, probably not much lazier than I am now.  Now, I sit 8 hours a day at work, then come home and sit behind the computer to write.  Maybe if I was getting paid for my work I wouldn’t be so lazy.

That is why I have decided that my health needs to be part of my passion.  I write because I want to be an inspiration to others, my main focus being on teens.  My heart goes out to teens and how hard life can seem at their age.  I just want to be the person they can look up to.  But I can’t be that person if I let my health go, just because I hide behind a computer all day.  It’s going to be hard, but that is what being a role model is all about.  We work hard for what we have, and we show people that it is possible.

Right now, I am almost at my heaviest.  I have set a goal for my latest novel, I want to have it ready for publishing August 21st, my birthday.  I want to keep that date, I want to add to my goal.  By August 21st, I want to be the healthiest I have ever been.  Which means, I need to lose at least 30 pounds.  But it’s not just the weight that has to go.  I have to do other things, like giving up all the candy that I love, and the sodas.  As much as I am doing it for myself, I am also doing it for anyone struggling with health issues.  Kids, teens and adults alike. I am doing this to prove to everyone, that no matter how busy you feel you are, it can be done.

At the moment, I consider myself working two full time jobs.  My regular day job, and writing.  So let’s add one more full time job to that, because isn’t your health a full time job?  Can it be done?  Of course it can.  Watch me.