Reality

Today marks 2 weeks since my dad passed. Sometimes I think the word “died” and it makes it that much worse, so I tell people my dad has passed. He has passed from this world to the next, to what ever we have to look forward too once our earthly bodies can no longer hold us down.

It was a hard day for me. A very hard day. I had to work open to close, around all these people that are going about their day and I am still shattered. I am a picture that has fallen off a while while the home owners are away on vacation, so there is no one to sweep up the pieces. I just lay on the floor broken into a million pieces.

I have thoughts that I shouldn’t have. Thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. But I have so much to do now. My dad gave me a story to write and I have to write it. And it has given me more and more ideas to write. I am a writer and writers do best when they have pain to draw from.

I also fear something happening to my mom and my brother. Anytime I can not see them I fear something has happened. Is there a word for a fear of anyone leaving the house? Agoraphobia is the fear of going outside the house…I feel that developing a little too. But it’s more of a fear of anyone I love leaving my sights.

I looked it up, a fear of loved ones dying is called Thanatophobia. I guess there is a phobia for everything. Before my dad died I had a fear of something going wrong, like if I didn’t love my family enough one of them would be taken away. It’s almost like my heart knew it was about to get hit. Or maybe it’s just my anxiety. I may worry myself to death one day.

I keep thinking how eventually someone is going to die. Someone close to me. And then I think that maybe I don’t want to fall in love or have kids, because that is only more people to grow close to that could die. And maybe my whole life I have been protecting myself from all of this. Maybe that is why I didn’t have too many close friends and I didn’t get to close to a lot of family. Maybe this whole time I have just kept people at a distance so it wouldn’t hurt when someone died. I just thought I had more time with my immediate family. I thought I had more time with my dad.

Isn’t that the problem with everyone though? We all think we have more time, when in reality we are ticking time bombs, waiting to explode and destroy someone’s norm.

Does it make it better when you are close to more people? Does it help if you have more close friends to huddle around you when you lose something so precious? Maybe I only made it worse on myself by not being closer to people. Maybe the more pieces of your heart you give away, the less it hurts when someone dies and takes that piece with them. OR maybe not matter what you do, when a parent dies it just hurts more than anything you have ever experienced in your life.

I wonder sometimes if this all happened for some greater being to show me how minuscule my other problems were, how lame my anxiety issues were. Because it all just seems so stupid now.

We are all ticking time bombs, waiting to explode and destroy someone’s norm.

Book Review: The Darkest Minds

The Darkest Minds is a book by Alexandra Bracken.  Click here to see her website.

I read this book some time last year and sat it on my bookshelf to collect dust.  I really loved it the first time I read it, but I have just recently allowed myself the habit of re-reading a book.  I found out that the second book of the series was out, so I had to refresh my memory.  I pulled it off myself, dusted it off, and dove in head first.  The story is fantastic and I read the book in 3 days.

About the Book
The main character is Ruby and we first meet her in a camp with several other kids.  Something has happened to the kids of the U.S.  They have either died of a mysterious illness or developed supernatural powers.  There are five different types of powers.  Blues can move things with their mind, Greens are super smart and figure out puzzles in a snap, Yellows have some kind of electric power, Reds create and play with fire, and Oranges can manipulate minds of people around them.

The parents and other adults decide that these kids, the ones that lived, are a danger and ship them off to camps to be “fixed.”  The president of the U.S. tells these parents and adults that the camps will help fix their kids and the kids will be sent back home.  He even proves that there is success in the camps by parading his “reformed” son around the country.  Unfortunately, 6 years later no a single child has made it out of the camps “reformed.” Ruby was sent to the camps when she was only 10 years old.

Ruby notices that in her own camp the Reds, Yellows, and Oranges have disappeared.  She fears, like everyone, that they have been killed.  Of course, what else are you supposed to believe when the camp is such a horrible place?  The camp is full of adults (PSFs) with noise machines that only effect the kids and their rude hate for kids who did not ask for the powers they have.

Ruby is finally rescued by a kind woman who pretty much promises her the world.  All she has to do is join the League of Children.   Ruby gets an odd feeling about the woman carting her away and escapes the first moment she is able.  Once she escapes the League people she instantly bumps into a group of kids; Liam(Blue), Chubs(?? I can’t remember for some reason), and Zu(Yellow).  A small group that has escaped from their own camp thanks to Liam.

Warning, Spoilers ahead!
Ruby takes off with this new group in the search for a kid they call the Slip Kid.  Evidently this kid has evaded everyone that has tried to capture him.

We also learn at this point that Liam was once part of the League and doesn’t approve of them.  He says that they use kids to do their dirty work, they teach kids to kill.  So they are now running from PSF’s (guards from the camps), League, as well as Skip Tracers.  Skip Tracers are the people that track the run away kids, or the kids that have been in hiding all this time, and turn them in to the camps for the reward money.

Ruby is an Orange.  She can control peoples minds, but she has been hiding it for the past 6 years.  Everyone things she is Green.  Eventually, her group gets into some trouble and she has to reveal to them what she really is.  She waits for them to shun her and throw her away, but the accept her and only get a tad bit mad she lied.

They find the Slip Kid and he has set up this wonderful camp where kids are safe.  He is also the presidents son!  And one more thing, he is an Orange just like Ruby.  He takes a sudden liking to Ruby, but plays it off that he is just interested in the fact that they may be the last Orange kids.  Clancy (slip kid), pulls some act on Ruby and controls her mind.  Liam finds out and they decide to head out, but this was after Zu left to go to California with her cousin.

All heck breaks loose.  Clancy, the little prick, has informed someone of where they are and the PSF’s come in after all the kids there.  Some kids escape while most are captured.  Ruby, Liam, and Chubs being among the lucky to escape.

They set out to deliver a letter to a dead friends dad (which was their whole purpose of finding the slip kid to help find this kids dad)  The dad doesn’t like what the letter says and shoots Chubs.  In a panic to save her friend, Ruby alerts the League.  They swoop in to save the day, but no one knows if Chubs actually survived.

Ruby and Liam are taken into the League.  The League wants Ruby to stay and won’t let her leave.  To save Liam (remember he doesn’t like the League) she erases his memory and sets him free.

My Thoughts
I loved this book.  Like I said, I read it in 3 days.  I devoured every word and every page.  I was rooting for Ruby and Liam the whole way through and I hated Ruby for erasing the only happiness Liam had.  Why would you do that?  Not only did she erase herself from his memory, but she made him forget that Chubs had been shot.

I was left with so many emotions when I finished this book.  I wanted to cry, scream, and find Ruby to yell at her for what she did.

It’s crazy to think about how the world could change if all the children where feared, shipped off to camps, or died of some mysterious illness.  Could you imagine how boring life would be?  In the book, the world crumbled up under everyone without kids.  Parents were depressed not knowing how their kids where.  The government crashes because the president makes some stupid law to keep himself in office.  People start going hungry and become homeless and unemployed.  The U.S. becomes shut to the rest of the world.  The world fell apart because of all the efforts to put away the “danger.”

Overall, this book was fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone.

TGIF!

I was supposed to have a fun, quick craft to post today.  And I have everything ready for it.  But, I want to complain a little bit and share my adventure from yesterday.

I had just gotten off work.  I was tired and just ready to go home.  The radio wasn’t playing anything good, so I popped in a CD.  The CD wouldn’t load so I tried to take it out and it got stuck.  While trying to get it back out, the CD player ate it and started playing it…I swear there is some kind of fairy or goblin, or fairy goblin, living in my CD player in my car.

I was driving down the road, singing along to the radio, smiling and thinking about my week.  Of course, it was raining and my car does not like rain!  It starts running weird, like a child being drug through a grocery store!

All of a sudden POP!  FLAP FLAP FLAP!! I quickly pull the car over because it sounds like I have a flat tire.  It is pouring down rain, so I roll my window down and check the tires on the driver side, everything is good.  I crawl over into the passenger seat, roll the window down and stick my head out.  Everything is good.  My tires are not flat!  I noticed a spoon laying on the road, so I just figured it had gotten under my car and caused the weird sound.

I rolled my windows up, and merged back on to the road.  FLOP FLAP FLOP!  Now, I am freaking out! I have no clue what is going on.  I pull into a gas station, which was thankfully just a few seconds down the road.  I should mention that the road was clear of cars at the time as well.  Thank you Jesus!

After I stop my car and cut it off, I get out…in the rain!  I look under the car to see if anything is stuck under there.  AND OMG!! There was a ZOMBIE!!!  He was growling and clawing at the air trying to get me.  Looked like he hadn’t eaten for days, and he was definitely one of the first people to get the virus!

Just kidding!

There was nothing under my car.  So I popped the hood.  Now, I don’t know a lot about cars, but I know enough to spot when something isn’t right under the hood.  Nothing looked out of place, all the belts were there, nothing looked like it was missing.  So I called my mom and her and my dad came and got me.

My dad did all the stuff I did, and found exactly the same thing I found…NOTHING.  I got back in my car and my dad rode with me, as my car picked up speed you could hear FLAP FLOP FLAP!  Something was seriously wrong, but we didn’t know what.

I pull over on the side of the road, right in front of the house that I so desperately want to buy.  We pulled into the grass a little bit and the owner of the house came out with a shotgun!  Started shouting telling us we had to get off his property.  He was dead serious too!  He was pointing the gun at us when this dog came out of now where and ripped the guys throat out!  He was like Cujo or something…except, he came charging at me, wagging his tale as blood covered his snout.  He jumped up on me and licked my face.

Just kidding!

No one lives in the house that we pulled up in front of.  It’s been for sale for the past two years.  One day I will buy it.

Anyways, my dad looked at my tire and found that the tire was coming apart.  A strip of rubber had pulled away and wrapped itself around the tire axle.  My dad had to cut it off so that we could drive to get new tires.

Which we did…337 dollars later and I have 4 new tires and a really awesome story to tell people.

I finally got home and played sims…I just couldn’t handle anything else.

But unfortunately, there was more to come.

I went into my bathroom to get ready for bed, the light bulb had went out so I had just put in a new one.  It was super bright!  Which may or may not have been a good thing.

I have a hole in my bathroom wall near my tub.  I just happened to look down at it to see this massive spider just chilling out.  ICK!!  I tried to kill it with a shoe, but that sucker crawled into the hole.  So I drown the hole with hair spray and tapped it up with duct tape.  Ghetto?  Yes, but I didn’t have to worry about that spider anymore…at least I hope I don’t have to.

I am sorry for keeping you so long, but I hope you enjoyed my torment.  I will return next week with more crafts, baked goods, and horror stories of my awkward life!

Have a grand weekend folks!

Irrational Fears

I have a bit of a confession for everyone tonight.  I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and never even held a boys hand.  But that isn’t the confession.

I told people for years that I was just too busy for a relationship.  I told them I needed to focus on my studies so I could get a good job and depend on myself.   That’s not the confession either.

The confession, I am absolutely terrified to date.  Not just the dating, but the whole flirting part.  The part where I get super close and comfy with someone that I don’t mind letting them invade my personal space.

Seriously, at my age, dating should be easy.  I should have gone a million dates, and kissed at least a few guys.  Heck, at least flirted a bit.  Oh, I flirted online, I was good at flirting online.  That was safer, no one could actually see me and I couldn’t stumble on my words.  When you flirt online, you write words.  That means you think about it, type it, read it, and change it when it sounds completely retarded.  In real life you can’t take back stupid words and you can’t hide the fact that you just stuttered.  Real life people can also see you blush. Yep, real life kind of sucks.

I am naturally awkward.  I have been the awkward weird girl all my life.  It doesn’t make it easy to make friends at all.  The friends I do have went through a lot of crap just to call me a friend.  I live in a world where fairies and dragons exist.  I have this wild fantasy that a vampire will find me one day.  And I won’t have to make him fall in love with me because he is already in love with me.  We just click, the end.  No silly dating and strange phone calls.

So there.  I have never been in a relationship because the idea terrifies me.  It’s even hard for my family to know me, how is some random guy going to get to know me.  Especially when I keep everyone at a distance.  I tend to push people away, just so they don’t get too close.  Yeah, it happens all the time in movies.  The girl pushes everyone away but there is that one guy that forces his way into her life and she falls in love with him.  At this point, that is what is going to happen to me.

I can’t even talk to a guy I find attractive, as I am sure I have already mentioned in a blog before.  I wouldn’t know what to do on a date.  My palms would sweat so I couldn’t hold his hand.  He would lean in for a kiss and I would be completely oblivious to his intentions.  Or, he would lean in for a kiss and I would giggle, then he would get all self conscious, and wonder what he has done wrong.  Then there is the chance that I could be head over heels for the guy, but not know how to show it and he would stop talking to me because he doesn’t think I am interested.

Why does the idea of dating have to be so confusing and scary.  Maybe it’s not even the dating thing that worries me, just the idea of letting someone get close.  There is also the fear of being completely crushed.

Of course, my fear doesn’t stop me from dreaming.  But my day dreams usually start with the guy bluntly telling me he is into me and wants to take me on a date.  On the date he will tell me he wants to hold my hand and he will ask if he can kiss me.  Everything straight forward because I am not good with hints.

I think I am doomed.  I should just go ahead and start planning adoption, because at this rate I will never get married.

Go on, laugh.  It really is kind of funny.  Sad, but funny.