Just a Little Thought

Hello Friends!

I realize that my blog has been very inadequate lately. In all reality, it started dying about August on 2016. I don’t know where my head has been. I mean, my head hasn’t been here mentally. Physically, I go through the motions of everyday life, just the things that will keep me going, like eating, sleeping, and going to work. I think I have become a good little actress, pretending to be present when my mind has been so far away. Hiding from something maybe. Well, I know what I have been doing. I have been battling demons. Battling demons and digging my way out of deep holes of…depression, regret, anxiety?

There is also the issue with the fact that I have been dealing with what to post. I want to post things that are meaningful. I want to inspire people with my words, because it’s all I have to offer. I have written book reviews, movie reviews, and little tidbits about TV shows I am interested in. I have written short stories and random ramblings. But what does it all mean? What is the purpose? I have a few hundred followers, but not many that even comment on a post. Which I deserve because I don’t comment much on other blogs myself. But it also means that things I have been saying just don’t mean much to others.

I am facing the music. When I sit down to write a book review, I am not writing about the author, the structure, or the tone of the book. I am writing about the story, which means I pretty much love everything I read. As a writer myself, I know the work that goes into writing a story. I have that in the back of my mind with every book I read. Usually what I read is exactly what I wanted to read. I don’t get stuck too much on the structure, the proper use of this or that, or any of the technical stuff, so what am I really adding to the world with my review?

It’s the same thing with movie reviews, though, I tend to be a little more critical with movies. Mainly horror movies because that is my genre of choice. I always feel like I have more to say about a movie than a book and sometimes that just makes me feel like an idiot. I feel like, maybe I am not getting what I should be getting from books. But who is to say what I am actually supposed to get from books? I read for pleasure just as I watch movies for pleasure.

What it all boils down to is what am I writing this blog for? Who am I trying to fool with a review here and there? What is my purpose for this blog? I have had so many blogs in the past and they have always been about feelings and what I have been doing. This blog started off with stories of how awkward I am and some how came to this point where it was about reading and writing. Can I really have a blog that is just about that? I want to say my life is about more than reading and writing, but here lately that is basically all it is. I don’t do much more than that.

With that being said, I am learning to listen to the world. I am hearing things that people say. I am on a journey to learn how to control my temper and my urges. By urges I mean eating, sleeping, and just laying around. My urges to be lazy. Nothing crazy like hiding bodies in my closet…don’t look in my closet.

I am trying to get a handle on myself and become more of a well rounded adult…isn’t that the adult thing to do? Not that I am much of an adult, trust me, age is just a number. I am a reader, writer, and a dreamer. I will always have my head in the clouds and a story waiting to bust through. But I want to be more than just that. I want to be…

Truth is, I don’t know what I want to be. I want to be a published author. I want to be healthy. I want to be fun and outgoing.

Okay, so maybe I do know what I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there.

So, while my blog will continue to be about my writing and what I am reading, it will become more. It will be about movies that I absolutely loved…or hated. It will be about my new passions and old. It will be about how things in my life change and how they stay the same. It will be about me pushing my own limits and stepping up to my full potential.

I just don’t know how to make it all happen, or how to put it into words that people want to read. I am a writer though, and I will figure it out.

Friday Inspiration

Hello Friends! Happy Friday! Today is a good day because I am getting off work at 2 today. I never get off at 2…unless it’s 2am.

Anyways, let’s just jump into this today.

My mom actually shared this one with me on Facebook this week. And I just knew I had to share it with all of you!

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I think this is just a beautiful quote. I feel like we spend so much time trying to do what we are “supposed” to do. We are going to work to pay bills. The bills are from things we are told we have to have. Then there are the things we like to do, that we have to save to do. Vacations, traveling, activities, new electronics, and in my case…books! But in order to do all of this stuff, we have to work to make money. Yet, we are all stuck in jobs that we just don’t like.

Actually, I should clear up that I actually do like my job. It can be stressful at times, but I know what I am doing and I like knowing what I am doing. But, it’s not what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be an author. I want to own a coffee/tea shop/bookstore. I know there are tons of places to buy books that also sale coffee and tea, but my place would be different. How? I don’t know yet, but I know it’s going to be amazing.

Life is too short to do the things we hate. And I know that we can do jobs we want without ending up living in a box somewhere. Maybe it will be hard work to get to the point where we love our job as much as our hobbies, but hard work is what cleanses the soul.

Tell me, what is your dream?

Pin-It Saturday: It’s Okay to Dream

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This week I decided to go about this a little differently. I wanted to share something inspiring rather than something about writing.

To print: Don't quit your day dream

Dreams are what carries us through the darkest moments in our lives. It’s only thing that keeps me going some days. Who ever tells you to get your head out of the clouds is just jealous because they don’t know what it’s like to be lost in a dream. A dream that one day could be reality.

And until my dreams become my reality, I will just keep on floating above the clouds.

Toodles

Reading in Public

marry him. marry him now.

This is going to be short and sweet. Because it’s Friday and I saw this picture and…well I couldn’t think of anything else anymore so this is where my mind goes.

As most of you know (since I mention it all the time) I am single. Actually, I have been single all of my life, unless you count the two internet relationships I had, which they were so short lived I don’t count them. I have never been on a date, never kissed a boy, never held hands with a boy. Yeah, I am basically Josie from “Never Been Kissed,” only 5 years later after the boy never showed up on the pitchers mound to kiss me. Yeah…that dream sailed long ago.

Sorry, what was I saying?

Oh right. I dream all the time of walking into a bookstore, browsing the books, and grabbing for the same book the same time as the cute guy who has been just as lost in the books as I have. Our gazes lock and it’s love at first sight. I giggle, he hands me the book, and we talk about the author or the book itself. When we leave, we have exchanged numbers and possibly plan on meeting up at a coffee shop for tea…you know, for our first date.

Then it will all spiral from there. On my days off work we are together, either at my house or his. We are either reading, or he is reading (or playing games) while I am working on my novel. We will watch cheesy horror movies together (because that is one of the must haves for my future boyfriend, he has to like horror movies). We will nerd over our favorite fandoms and have Netflix marathons.

And let’s not forget all the time we will spend in bookstores, picking out books and building our perfect library.

And this is probably why I am still single. I dream too much and I am told every day that love doesn’t happen like it does in the movies. But I will hold out until someone comes close to what I am looking for. He has to exist somewhere…right?

Maybe I need to start reading more in public.

Toodles

Dream a Little Dream

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I had one of the most amazing dreams last night. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning because I wanted to continue the dream. I wanted to see what would happen and where the story would go. But I woke up already knowing where it would go.

The dream was about two best friends. A girl with long blond hair and a passion for art. A boy who comes from a troubled past, working hard to earn a dollar. His current job has something to do with fire…I wasn’t sure what it was all about. He worked in a dungeon and there was always a chance of fire.

Gabriel and Claire. They needed names and after a quick search these two names fit like gloves.

Gabriel and Claire grew up together. They were fast friends in pre-school.

Gabriel always loved Claire, but she had a boyfriend, she always had a boyfriend. She was beautiful and popular. But she loved Gabriel and never left him. Even when her “popular” friends sneered at him, Claire stood up for Gabriel. Even in high school when peer pressure told them they should not be friends. They could not be separated, not even by the dark forces of teenage hormones.

Gabriel worked hard everyday, even thought high school, to make something of himself. Something that was worthy of Claire. Claire only waited for him to realize that he was already worthy of her. She had loved him since the day her mother passed away.  Out of all of her friends, Gabriel was the only one that stuck by her side and let her cry. He didn’t tell her everything would be okay. He didn’t tense when she cried. And when she had to leave the movie theater because something reminded her of her mom, Gabriel loaded her up in his truck and took her to the river.

It was bound to happen. They fall in love, it was written in the stars. But Claire waited for Gabriel to be ready.

The Actual Dream

He finally called her, told her that he needed to speak with her. She rushed to his apartment. A small room within the cavern that he was working. He had tried to clean up before she got there, but something had caught on fire…again…and his shirt had been burned. He was changing shirts when she came in and she gasped at the bleeding cuts on his arms.

He brushed her off, telling her that it was something that always happened. It was a hazard of the job. Claire smiled and lay down in the floor, patting the floor beside her. Gabriel lay down, just far enough to where Claire could not reach him.

“Why are you so far away?” She asked him.  He only shrugs. “You should be by my side, always.” She whispered.

Surprise caught in Gabriel’s eyes. Claire knew why he had called her. He moved closer to her and Claire rested her head on his chest. “How did you know?” He asked with a smile.

“I have always known. I just had to wait for you to work up the nerve.” She looked up at him. “If you had waited too much longer, I would have had to beat it out of you.” She laughed. Gabriel came up to meet her lips, a kiss that had been in the making for years. A kiss that would seal their fate. Claire kissed him back, softly, there was no need to rush, they had all of their lives together.

A fire broke up, pulling the two away again as they rushed to put out the fires. Claire was laughing which caused Gabriel to laugh. But the laughter was interrupted as an explosion sounded, blasting out part of the wall and a guy with a ski mask jumps out.

“This can’t happen.” He said as he ran from the room.

Gabriel and Claire didn’t have time to chase the guy before something in the wall caught their attention. It was a stash of lost art.

One photo caught Claire’s attention. It was small and almost morbid, but she saw herself and Gabriel. She held up the picture of two embracing skeletons, with two skeleton children at their sides. “This reminds me of us.” Claire told Gabriel.

He understood and smiled. “You want children?”

“Yeah, someday.” She sat the picture down and looked away. “But only with you.”

As they riffled through the paintings Claire sat aside the ones she knew. They would get a reward for finding the paintings. A very hefty reward that could carry them through the rest of their life.

The End

Okay, not really the end. But I think I am going to run with this dream. See what I can do with it. It left me feeling something. It was a happy dream, but there was something more to it. Something underlining the events that took place. Like…why did the one guy jump out and say “This can’t happen?” I also want to explore more about Gabriel and Claire’s lives. How old was Claire when her mother died? What happened to Gabriel’s parents? So many questions!

Have you had any dreams that you have used for a story?

Meet Again 2

The Truth of it All

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It’s funny how I can get so comfortable in a roll then all of a sudden reality hits. Reality reminds me that I was just a place holder, the back burner who finally needed to be used because on the of the front burners needs some time off. And now that the front burner is back on and working fine, I am tossed to the side once more, becoming dusty and forgotten.

Most of my life I have been the back burner friend. The back burner employee. The back burner everything. I am the forgotten one until someone needs something and I am conveniently there for them to use. I thought maybe I wasn’t that person at work. I had been requested to move stores by the store manager herself. Now that the other assistant manager is back from maternity leave I am suddenly an overpaid cashier.

Don’t get me wrong, I love working with the customers. But I don’t like being demoted. It feels like no one trust me to handle the responsibility of being in the management position. Being a cashier means I will no longer have time to stock anything other than what is by the registers. I no longer have keys to the store, meaning I can not open or close. And if by some chance I am scheduled to open or close, I have to make sure I have the keys to do so.

I was finally getting comfortable calling myself an assistant manager, stepping into the role and learning the ropes. Now I am thrown back to just a lowly cashier. It’s irritating because I know I can do the job. I am better than just a cashier. I want to move on and do more. I want to be in charge of something.

And while all of this really ticks me off it has also given me some perspective on my future. Something in the back of my mind has been trying to tell me for a few weeks now. Trying to point out that I would not be in this business for the rest of my life. I have bigger dreams than that. But I wanted to nestle down and become okay with the situation I was in. I wanted to stop fighting for my dreams because what I have now is easy.

I am taking this as my wake up call. I am not a retail worker. I am a business owner and an author. I have bigger plans in my life than just a retail worker. For a moment I thought I could work my way up to store manager, but I was still be working under someone. I am meant to be a store owner and answer to no one but my business partner, who will more than likely be my mom. I let my dreams slide through my fingers, I was going to settle for just okay.

I just needed a kick in the rear to be reminded why I am supposed to be working so hard before and after work and on my days off. I have a lot to accomplish and the job I am at now is just something to keep me on my feet while I work towards my dream.

Meet Again 2

Have a Little Hope

Since I have poor time management skills at the moment, I didn’t prepare anything for today. I have ideas, just no time to write them out.

So, since I am trying to post everyday I thought I would do what a few other bloggers do and spread a little inspiration.

I know a few people that have been having a rough time in life right now. I came with a little hope for you today.

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Keep that in mind and keep moving forward (a saying that came from a Disney movie “Meet the Robinsons” that has stuck with me for years now.)

I hope you all have a wonderful day and don’t let the bad things keep you down.

Meet Again 2

The Hell of Two Jobs

I have never worked two jobs before.  I knew it would be hard and I avoided it at all cost.  I didn’t realize how much of a pain in the butt it really was until this past week.  I am still trying to recover, and I have one more day at my old job.

Saturday and Sunday I had to work both jobs.  I had to go into my new job in the morning and then rush to my old job to close.  My ankle has not been happy with me because of this.  It has been one heck of a ride. Also, I hate being away from home for so long!  An entire day gone, because I had to work two jobs.  Please, someone, anyone, tell me how people can work two jobs and still function?  I only did it for two weeks and I am scared for life.

I have learned a few things while working two jobs…and I thought I was stick with old faithful and give you a list of those things.

  1. My puppy gets super excited when I get home after being away all day.
  2. I don’t feel like eating much on days I have to work at both jobs. I am too busy trying to keep my schedule straight and get things done.
  3. Sleep does not exist.  Especially if you come home and read until the wee hours of the morning.
  4. 30 minutes is not enough time to leave one job and get to the other, even if they are only 5 minutes apart from each other.
  5. I can do it.

I’m sure I could come up with more things I have learned, but #5 is the most important.  I CAN DO IT! Which means, when I am free of the hell that is Bilo, I can pretend that I am still working two jobs and start working more on my cake decorating skills. I will dedicate time to setting up my business and getting a website and cards.  I will also set aside time for writing more.

Not only can I work two jobs, but I can do a lot on very little sleep.  I just have to make myself do it.  And the last and final thing that I just realized I have learned, is making myself do things that I need to do.  Unless I forget about them.

Either way, I am done with my old job and I am ready to move on.  Things are going to get better from here.  I will eventually have my own bakery and publishing contract.  I will be a very successful woman.  I have material from my job at the grocery store that will help me in my writing, and I have new skills that will benefit my cake decorating.

It may have been hell working two jobs.  But it was the kind of hell that is necessary to move on to better things.

A Writers Struggle

I have been reading a few tidbits here and there about authors and their struggles of writing while working and raising a family. It’s inspiring to know that famous authors have struggled like the rest of us.  It makes them seem more human and my dream a little more achievable.

I have always been the one to wait for a good moment to write.  A day off, or some down time.  Now I see that I have have been doing it all wrong. I can’t wait for time, I have to find it.  I have to chase it.

Stephen King is one of those authors.  He was a teacher, finding time to write among all his other duties of making lesson plans, teaching, grading papers, and raising a family. He found a quiet place, an ironing board in the laundry room, to write every night. How in the world did this man have time to focus on writing?  What drove him the most in his writing?

I realize that to achieve my dreams there are a few things that I am going to have to give up.

One of those things is TV.  I am not saying to give up every show I love to watch, but I need to limit my time in front of the mind numbing box.  There is always something on TV that I want to watch, but just like food, you need portion control.  And just like with food, I have no self control. I need more discipline in my life if I want to accomplish my goals and reach my dreams.

Another area that I need to give up and control better is my sleep.  I sleep all the time.  I get up to take the puppy out and come back in, turn on the TV, and fall asleep.  If I have to go into work at 2, I will sleep until I HAVE to get ready for work. I have become lazy, letting depression get the best of me.

I have too many dreams and too much creativity to let sleep and cheap entertainment steal that away from me. I must sacrifice for my many dreams.  It’s the only way.

To all my writers out there, what have you let get in the way of your writing?

I Don’t Want to Grow Up

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One thing is clear in my everyday life.  Being an adult sucks some major monkey balls.  Big harry monkey balls.  You have so much to worry about and I haven’t even made it to the full on adult experience.

I still live with my parents.  I have no kids.  I am not married.  Yet, I still have a world of worry sitting at my doorstep when I wake up in the morning.

Let’s make a list of things that suck about being an adult.

  1. Bills!  Ugh bills.  You can’t avoid them really.  I have credit card bills because I was stupid when I was young.  I got credit cards because I convinced myself it would help raise my credit…which it did.  I actually do have a pretty okay credit score.  Then there is the phone bill.  Of course I could cut down on that cost by not having an iPhone…but then I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the world.
  2. Student loans.  I didn’t lump this into the bill field because it’s a whole other story.  See, I went to college thinking that I would get ahead in life with a college degree.  Little did I know that I would leave college with a 60 thousand dollar loan and no job prospects.  Yeah, I had a good job, but I was let go.  Even experience on the job didn’t help in finding a new job.  Student loans are a whore on a corner who ends up being a cop.  She is dressed all fancy and clean…a clean whore. You pull over to ask her something, she yanks you out of the car, reads you your rights, handcuffs you, and throws you in the back of the car.  No warning.  It doesn’t matter that you were just going to ask for directions.  You are now screwed for life.  Thank you student loans.
  3. Time doesn’t actually matters.  As a kid, time doesn’t really matter too much.  You have to be at school at a certain time, but your parents make sure you are up and out the door on time.  They tell you when to go to bed and you do it.  It doesn’t matter what time it is.  At least, it doesn’t matter to you.  You just go about your business until some adult tells you what you have to do next.
  4. Driving.  I admit, I love driving.  But then you have to make car payments (another bill!!) and pay for gas.  Let’s not forget the yearly check ups you have to get so your car doesn’t leave you stranded on the side of the road.  And add on to the fact that you probably can’t afford a really nice new car, so even if you do get your car checked on a regular, it may decide to leave you stranded on the side of the road anyways.  Thank the good man upstairs that my car is actually a pretty good car.
  5. Calling people about payments you can’t afford.  This is what actually sparked my initial rage for today’s post.  My student loan was deferred for a few months after I lost my job.  Before, the payments were just under 300 a month.  After the deferment ended the bill shot up to just over 600 a month.  Add to the fact that with  my new job I couldn’t even afford the 300 and you have yourself a big mess.  What are my choices?  Call them and talk to them, or ignore it until it ruins my credit.  So of course I did the grown up thing and called them.  Who actually calls people anymore?
  6. Ignoring things does not make it go away.  Do you remember when you were younger and you would just ignore a problem and it would go away?  Maybe your parents took care of it or the assignment was no longer due (and you proudly took the zero grade for it).  Now, the longer you ignore something the more it messes up your life.  Like…my car has this weird thing going on.  It jerks like something is slipping in my motor.  I try to ignore it, but I ignored it in my last car and that car is now in a junk yard somewhere.  If I ignore my student loan my credit is shot and I can never buy a home…not that I could afford a home while paying for these student loans anyways.

When I was a kid I remember dreaming about being an adult.  Driving where I wanted, living in my own place (I always wanted to live in an apartment), going out with friends and staying out as late as I wanted, having a really great job, meeting my prince charming.  So many things I thought would be easy.  I thought it just came with growing up. I learned soon enough that growing up meant fighting for all the things I wanted.  And even with all the fighting I wasn’t guaranteed all the things I wanted.

I think I need to go work some of this steam off in the gym.  Cause that is another thing we worry about as adults.  Our health.