Damsel In Distress

Damsel In Distress

Hello Friends,

I realize that it has been a while. Things have been tough. I thought I had a handle on things, and I thought I was going to be okay, but I wasn’t and I’m not. I am not okay.

My dad has been gone 6 weeks now. It still hurts and I still can’t believe it happened. I lost my love for writing and reading. I lost my love for TV. The only thing I kept was my love for music, but even that caused problems. I had to listen to things that didn’t remind me of my dad…which was kind of hard because my dad loved music to.

This past week I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t okay. I admitted that I may actually need therapy, to talk to a professional. I admitted it to my mom and my brother. And now I admit it to you and the rest of the world. I need help. And it’s okay that I need help. It’s not okay to continue trying to take care of things myself. Somethings you just need a little help getting through. Especially something this hard.

Today, I wrote a poem and actually finished it. It’s something I haven’t done in a very long time. I usually write poetry in my very dark moments. And this is probably the darkest moment of my life. So, for those of you still around waiting to hear from the lost and broken Heather…here is a little poem I have written.

Damsel In Distress:
There is no prince charming
There is no white horse
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

There is no secret family
There is no secret fund
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

There is no mother ship
There is no alien planet
There is only a damsel
And she is in distress

This isn’t a fairy tale
Life can be a villain
And here we have a damsel
And she is in distress

She has no kiss to awaken her
She has never lost a shoe
She is just a simple damsel
And she is in distress

Living in reality
Lost in fantasy
She is a damsel
And she is in distress

I know I can’t keep waiting
I have to save myself
I am a damsel
And I am in distress

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Chit Chat: The Anxiety of it All

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Hello Friends! Miss me? It’s been a while since I have been a way for so long…though it wasn’t that long really. I just had to take a moment and not worry about posting.

I have been overly stressed lately and it has been causing anxiety issues. I was able to write a short story this past week simply because I knew it would make me feel a little better. Lucky for me the anxiety attacks seem to be dying off and I am doing better.

There are a few things that caused my anxiety. One being the news. All the crap on the news really gets to me. I can’t watch the news and this is exactly why. I don’t need the news to tell me that the world is crazy and evil, I work retail, I know. But I made the mistake and followed all the crap going on and I had trouble sleeping.friends mrw attack anxiety whats

Another factor that caused my anxiety is work and thinking about being stuck in the same job for the rest of my life. But it wasn’t so much the thought of working the same job all my life as much as watching my dreams die. I have let one of my dreams die. I wanted to go into the military and I played around until it was too late. It’s not to late to become the author I know I can be. It’s going to be hard work to get my name out there, but I know once the world sees me, it’s going to be a fantastic relationship. I just have to write.

The last thing that caused my anxiety attacks is my over active imagination. I have been playing out scenarios in my head and they never go well. I get scared and I recoil from life and try to hide in the shadows, thinking the shadows are safe, but we all know they are even worse.

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I decided that instead of trying to keep up with my blog for the week, I would take a break and let my mind settle down. I have stayed away from the news. I have been writing more and I have been trying to calm my mind down. I will not preach religion on my blog, because I do not force my own opinions on others, but through this all I have found comfort in my own faith, the only little nook that has helped me cope. Even when I try to deny my own faith, it’s the only thing that can sometimes help calm down the chaos in my  mind.

I had two amazing friends step up this week that really helped me out. I didn’t know I had friends that would care to make an effort to find my in my own dark prison. And I am grateful to see that I have friends I can count on. Of course that is on top of my parents and my brother, who are ALWAYS there when I need a little help.

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So here I am again, telling you that I am back and hopefully I am better. Hopefully I have this anxiety under control…until the next time. I can actually sleep with my lights off again.

Do you suffer from anxiety?? What are your tips and tricks to dealing with it?

Friday Inspiration

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Hello you beautiful nerds!

As you know, I have been struggling with anxiety and depression the past few weeks. Mostly because of my on personal doubts. I have a lot of left over doubt from when I was younger. I always fear that my friends are going to forget about me, not hang out with me, or just have never liked me to begin with.

This past week I have learned a few lessons about me and life. I am on the road to recovery and I am feeling so much lighter. I am not letting things get to me like they used to. I have learned to let go.

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I have stopped worrying about pleasing everyone around me. I have even stopped worrying what people think of my dreams and goals in life. I am slowly getting to the point where I don’t care what you think about me, I think I am awesome.

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I have learned to enjoy the ones that really want to be in my life. I have learned to not sweat the people who don’t want in my life.

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I have learned that while I don’t have everything I want in life, I have what I need. I can build up to the other things over time. It’s not something that has to happen right now, I just have to make sure I stay on the right path.

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I smile right now because I am happy. I have friends, wonderful family, and for the most part, I like who I am. There are things I don’t like about me and those are things that I can change and I am working on changing.

So here is your inspiration for today. Be the best you, you can be. Be a good person, smile, laugh, and don’t let the bad things get you down. In between the bad things, there are a lot of little good things that you may have forgotten about. I know that sometimes it’s easier to see the bad and to let it get you down. It’s easier to be depressed than it is to be happy. But there is a saying…

I hope that you all have a wonderful day! And can find a little peace in your life.

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Let’s Talk

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I have not been very present in my blog recently. I haven’t been reading other blogs or putting much thought and effort into my own blog. Usually, I will write a post the night before if I have to work in the morning. Or I will get up in time to make sure it post on time the day it needs to be posted. I haven’t been doing to good at that lately.

I haven’t been reading as much. Or really…doing anything useful. I have worked on a few craft projects, but mostly just watching TV. Why?

Lately I have had a lot of trouble with anxiety/panic attacks. I have gone entire days without any relief from my panic attacks. Just when I think I have it settled and I’m calming down, it hits full force again. Half the time I am at work, trying not to scream or cry when someone calls my name or ask a question. I just want to disappear and hide.

Because of this, by time I get home I am just too tired to do much of anything. I will turn the TV on just for the sound, or sit at my computer and watch YouTube videos or play Sims. I then fight going to bed because the idea of going to sleep after such an unproductive day causes the panic/anxiety to get worse.

I don’t know what the problem is. I have tried to sort through all of my thoughts and there is so much that could be causing this. Things that I don’t really want to get into right now. There is just a lot going on in my head and it’s messing with everything. Even while I read what little I have been able to read my mind wonders off into the dark corners of my thoughts. I am fighting hard to continue on with every day life. I am hoping and praying for relief.

I have gone as far as draining my bank account, hoping a little retail therapy would make it better…only to realize that my empty bank account has only made things worse.

I know there are things that I can change in my life and I am coming to the realization that these things need to change and they need to change now. Which only brings on more anxiety. Yeah…it’s a never ending circle of fear/anxiety/panic.

So, hang in there with me while I get this stuff figured out. I will try my best to keep the content coming, to keep it relevant, and to put as much heart into as I once did. I just lost my way and I am making my way through the overgrown forest to find my trail of glitter once again.

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Fighting My Demons

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There are still days in my adult life that I fall back into the habits of my younger self.  I have shared it once before, the hardships in the past and all the things I went through.  I have gone through depression and suicidal thoughts.  I have gone through moments where life just didn’t seem worth living anymore.

Yesterday some how ended up being one of those days.  I am just tired of so many things in life.  The fight to be accepted for my weirdness.  The struggle to find a special someone to enjoy my awkwardness.  The battle to be okay with myself.  The constant conflict about my work.  Wondering if I am good enough.  Wondering if I am only wasting my time.  Wondering if I should be doing more.

I feel like some where deep inside of myself I have so much to offer, but no one seems to want to see it or take it.  There are days that I just feel invisible and it’s hard to deal with.  I am, after all, a Leo.  Leo’s love the spotlight and we love attention.  I am not in constant need of attention, but I could use a little more.

It’s days like yesterday that I really wish I had a job, but then I realize how much a job would take away from the work that I really want to do.

I want to be a writer.  I want to own my own company.  I want to help others.  I want to be free to go where ever, when ever.  I want to be healthy and athletic.  I want to be surrounded by people that like me and won’t turn on me the moment I do something they don’t agree with.

You must forgive me for this rant, but sometimes it’s the only way to get past these dark moments.  And writing poetry helps too.  It seems to be the only time that I am inspired to write poetry.  Sometimes what you feel can not be told in words, it has to be sung in a poem.

So, today I will share with you a poem that I wrote to try and help me out of this dark place.  I hope you like it, and if you don’t it’s okay.  It helped me deal with the demon that goes by the name of depression.

The Demon Within

It’s not something that just goes away

It’s a battle that I fight every day

The demon swims through every lesion

Waiting for my fight to weaken

It waits for the moment when the lights go out

And grows stronger with every tear filled shout

There is nothing that can be done

As it shifts to cover the light of the sun

Surrounded in darkness, with nothing to hold

I will believe every single lie I am told

“You are stupid and fat.”

“You are nuttier than a bat.”

“You are not worth the air you steal.”

“Your face should be hidden under lock and seal.”

Before I know it, the faces are my own

The lies become something I’ve always known

The lies become truth in my mind

To anything else, I am blind

The demon takes over with aggression

I am empty, just his possession

Nothing more than a doll on strings

Forced to walk with gears and springs

This is no life for a girl like me

I should be happy, I should be free

I have fallen down the rabbit hole

With no Hatter to save my soul

One day the world will understand that these dark moments are not something to “Just get over.”  One day the world will understand the strength it takes to come out on top of these moments.

I hope that everyone has a beautiful day today.  Please find something that makes you smile. 🙂