A friend tells you that their parent has died. You give them your condolences and you move on. For you, nothing much has changed except one person in your life you have met and know will no longer be there. For you, life goes on.
No one tells you about the heartache and pain that they suffered. Because it can’t really be put into words. Seconds will go by without thinking of the one you have lost. Hours will go by when all you can think about is that person. You go to sleep thinking about them and wake up with them on your mind. It’s a never ending trail of darkness and depression. It’s anger and pain. It’s rage. You are angry at whatever higher being you believe in. You are angry with the person that died because they left you. You are angry at every person that still has their dad.
But it doesn’t end there. I am angry at the world for moving on while my life has flipped upside down. I want to shout at the sky and punch the clouds. I’m angry because my family has had such horrible luck and just when we think things are getting better the rug is ripped out from under us. I’m mad that the world stolen away my mom’s soul mate. I am mad that the world has stolen away one of the greatest men this world could have seen. I am mad because I am a daddy’s girl with out a daddy.
I am mad that I feel so much when all I want to feel is normal. I want to stop expecting my dad to come walking through the house only for the realization hit me like a ton of bricks that I will never hear him stomp through the house again.
I can’t tell you how many times I have wished to go back in time. Or even to ask my dad how he is. I want to know if he suffered in that hospital bed for 3 days or if he left before then. I want to ask him if he knew what was coming.
But most of all I want to ask God why it was my dad’s turn to leave. Why when things were finally looking up for us did he take away one of the best things we had?
And then, after all my questioning and yelling is done I am terrified that I will be punished for all of these feelings and questions. I fear that God will take more from me because I didn’t appreciate the things I still had because I was too busy mourning over what I had lost.
What people don’t tell you about losing a parent, a young parent, is that there is just so much anger and sadness that it consumes you. You want nothing more than for the world to stop and mourn with you.
All I want to do is be okay again. I want to be able to go about my day with out the smallest things setting me off. I want to be able to sleep again, without the tv staying on all night. I want to get up in the morning without being crippled with sadness. I want everything to go back to the way it was before, when my family was 4 again because it was too soon.