Suffering the Storm

At 1:30am Sunday morning my dad passed away. Yesterday was a great big party at my house and today was the memorial.

The memorial was the hardest thing I have ever been through. This whole thing has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I have been through some dark moments in my life. I have had moments of depression where I was just sad for no reason and all I want to do now is just throw a brick at my younger me and tell her that things could be a million times worse. And I know even this, the death of my father, is not the worst that has happened to people, but it is the worst that has happened to me and I can’t stand it.

Half the time I stare at the wall like I am going to make some sense of what has happened. The other half of the time I am crying or trying to tell myself this isn’t real. How could this be real? How is it possible that everything my daddy has been through, this is what does him in? And how is it possible that the man I thought was invincible is gone and will never come back. I will never hear him laugh again. I will never fuss at him for bothering me. I will never again tell him something that happened. He will never hug me again and tell me that my speeding ticket was not my fault and that the cops were just out to get me.

I just moved into a brand new house with my family. We haven’t even made the first payment. The house is in my daddy’s name and now we have no idea what is going to happen. There is a possibility that we will lose the home. But I feel it in my heart that this is home and no one will take that away from my family and me. This is where my dad wanted us and this is where he plans for us to stay.

I feel so broken. And for some reason I am trying to fill my dads shoes, trying to take care of the family myself when I know that we all have to come together and take care of one another.

My dad was my hero. He had been through so much in his life. He was hit by a car, survived the abuse of his parents, broke his neck, and fought his way through life. He loved his knives, guns, and guitars. But most of all, he loved his family. Someone told me that my dad told them just the other week that my mom, brother, and me were his world. We were his everything, and I love that he told someone that, someone that would tell us.

I don’t know how people get through this kind of stuff. Maybe it’s just having others that need you that helps you keep going. I thought when something this bad happened to me I would just sleep through it. I can’t even sleep. I fall asleep and wake up in a panic. I have decided to go back to work tomorrow, but I don’t know if I can actually do it. I don’t know if I am ready.

Right now I just want a time machine to go back to before everything happened. Before the old house was torn down and we had to live in the rental for 6 weeks. Back to a time when my daddy was alive and well. Back when my family was still whole.

5 thoughts on “Suffering the Storm

  1. By Hook Or By Book ~ Book Reviews, News, & Other Stuff says:

    Oh God Heather. I’m so, so sorry! I lost my dad when I was 16 so I can completely emphasize. Listen, as trite as it sounds, for right now take things one day at a time. You have your family and friends to stay close to and help each other during this horrible time. Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful person, and those memories that are hurting you so much right now? They will wind up bringing you comfort down the road.

    • Heather M. says:

      Thank you. I have found a great comfort just talking with other people that have lost their dads. I feel like I connect more with the ones that lost their dads at a young age because I still lived at home with him, and most people my age have already moved out of their parents house. It’s comforting to see that others have gone through this loss and have come out on the other side okay.

  2. Rosie Rockets says:

    I’m so very sorry for your loss Heather! I saw the first line of this post and my heart just sank. As Kim said, take it one day at a time and take comfort in the memories of your awesome Dad xxx

    • Heather M. says:

      Thanks Rosie. It gets a little easier each day. And I went back to work today so that got my mind off of things for a little bit, but I was ready to come back home before my shift was over.

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