Another week I have failed. My weight is up and down and all over the place. At this rate, I am not going to make it to my first goal by August 21st, unless I go on some anorexic diet and eat 500 calories a day and work out enough to burn 2000+ a day.
I can’t seem to get a handle on this. I have time to work out, but then I groan and go about sitting at my computer writing, laying in bed reading, or sitting on the couch watching TV. I have no proper excuse to not work out, just that I don’t want to.
And the thing that gets me the most is that I like to work out. I like doing my yoga. Yoga helps wake me up and it helps stretch my ankle. I feel good after I work out, but I don’t do it because of the initial, getting up and doing it.
Maybe it’s time that I face the fact that I am lazy. I keep looking at other people, people that are bigger than me, more overweight, and I think “Well, as long as I am not that big I will be okay.” I don’t even know if this makes me a bad person or shallow. It’s just something I do. And I wonder how many girls look at me and think the same thing.
I wish I could be one of those girls that looks in the mirrors and think “I’m big and fabulous.” Of course, I wonder about all those overweight woman in the news now, talking about how happy they are no matter what size they are, how many of them are actually happy with their weight. I tell people all the time how awesome I am…and I am awesome…on the inside.
It doesn’t help that I am surrounded by people who scoff at me for things that I do. At work I have a few people that roll their eyes at me when I tell them I am trying to stay away from fast food or sweets for a week. They tell me that it’s pointless and that it is okay to have it every once in a while.
What they don’t understand is that I have a very addictive personality and very poor self-control. I don’t know how to take a piece of chocolate and leave it at that. I don’t know how to eat just the serving size, unless I have already portioned it all out. It may make me sound like a weak person, but it’s something I am working on.
Until I can get it down, the only thing I know to do is to cut it out for a while. Kill the craving and then come back and have a piece or a slice or a handful. It’s how I kicked soda out of my diet. I just put it away and stopped thinking about it, stopped giving into my cravings.
Why am I having so much trouble doing that with other things? Why can’t I cut out sugar? Every time I do the cravings get worse and worse until I feel like I am going to have some kind of meltdown. It’s so frustrating.