Sleeping Beauty

I have noticed something in myself the past few days.  I have been off work, just chilling in my bed until it’s time to go back to bed.  I have been lazy and not a thing has been done.  I now realize that this is a habit that I need to stop right now.  It’s not good for my health.

I made the decision yesterday to leave my church.  At the moment it’s just for a little bit while I gather my own thoughts and decide what I am going to do.  I don’t know if I will go back or when I will go back. I want to go back, I don’t feel like that part of my life is over yet, but then again what do I know?

I keep making these post about how I am going to do this and do that.  Then away from the computer I do nothing.  I just sit in my bed and watch the day go by.  I don’t move. I don’t want to move.  I don’t even want to get on my computer and play games.  I just…sit…and flip through channels on TV until I fall back asleep.

My poor puppy probably thinks I am the worst pet owner ever.  All I do is pet her and have her lay beside me while I fade in and out. I wonder constantly what is the meaning of life.  Why am I here and what am I supposed to do?  It all seems so pointless some days.  Wake up, go to work, pay all my money to bills, and then do it all over again.

Depressing Quotes (Quotes About Depression) 0076-0078 (11)

I do little things that make me happy.  I bake and write. And I don’t even write that much. I read, but I have slowed down on my reading.  I feel like everything in life just slips through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to catch it.

I sit here, waiting for my life to begin.  What does that even mean?  Waiting for life to begin?  Is there something major and amazing that is supposed to happen before I can be happy?  I read too much to be happy with an every day life.  I need a life full of excitement and adventure.  But to do that I need money, or at least not be so far in debt I can’t breathe.

I am too old to have moments like this.  I should have things figured out.  I should be up early every day ready to take on the world.  I should be writing and baking every day.  I should be smiling and laughing and having a grand time. But when I jump up to take on the world I have a split second where I wonder what is it all for.  And I lose that little spark that I had.

Since I can’t find purpose or motivation, I just lay back down and go back to sleep.  Yeah, I go to the gym and I am losing weight.  But that never goes as quickly as I would like.

I’m just in a moment.  Sleeping until Prince Charming comes to wake me from this darkness.

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