I have noticed something in myself the past few days. I have been off work, just chilling in my bed until it’s time to go back to bed. I have been lazy and not a thing has been done. I now realize that this is a habit that I need to stop right now. It’s not good for my health.
I made the decision yesterday to leave my church. At the moment it’s just for a little bit while I gather my own thoughts and decide what I am going to do. I don’t know if I will go back or when I will go back. I want to go back, I don’t feel like that part of my life is over yet, but then again what do I know?
I keep making these post about how I am going to do this and do that. Then away from the computer I do nothing. I just sit in my bed and watch the day go by. I don’t move. I don’t want to move. I don’t even want to get on my computer and play games. I just…sit…and flip through channels on TV until I fall back asleep.
My poor puppy probably thinks I am the worst pet owner ever. All I do is pet her and have her lay beside me while I fade in and out. I wonder constantly what is the meaning of life. Why am I here and what am I supposed to do? It all seems so pointless some days. Wake up, go to work, pay all my money to bills, and then do it all over again.
I do little things that make me happy. I bake and write. And I don’t even write that much. I read, but I have slowed down on my reading. I feel like everything in life just slips through my fingers and there is nothing I can do to catch it.
I sit here, waiting for my life to begin. What does that even mean? Waiting for life to begin? Is there something major and amazing that is supposed to happen before I can be happy? I read too much to be happy with an every day life. I need a life full of excitement and adventure. But to do that I need money, or at least not be so far in debt I can’t breathe.
I am too old to have moments like this. I should have things figured out. I should be up early every day ready to take on the world. I should be writing and baking every day. I should be smiling and laughing and having a grand time. But when I jump up to take on the world I have a split second where I wonder what is it all for. And I lose that little spark that I had.
Since I can’t find purpose or motivation, I just lay back down and go back to sleep. Yeah, I go to the gym and I am losing weight. But that never goes as quickly as I would like.
I’m just in a moment. Sleeping until Prince Charming comes to wake me from this darkness.