The past few days have been a little rough…actually the last week has been rough. Nothing intense has happened. Nothing exciting. I’m just stressed and in a dark place. It was just last week that I posted a blog about fighting my demons. I thought I had broke through the fog, but it seems that my demons are fighting a little harder this time.
I have been extremely tired and just very unmotivated. I am up all night fighting panic attacks that are caused just by the thought of going to bed. Then I am fighting to stay up all day when all I can think about is how tired I am.
It’s funny too, because when I get this way I do dumb things, like signing up for dating sites. It’s so bad this time that I actually paid for a dating site.
I get up at some point in the morning to take the puppy out for a potty break, then end up back in bed. I try to do other things, but my fatigue wins out every time. I will sit at my desk and stare at the screen, waiting for some kind of energy to settle in and give me some kind of spark.
I will lay in bed all day thinking how I should take a shower, go outside and play with the puppy, do some writing, or…anything. I just have to get out of my bed, but it feels like it would take a tornado lifting me out of bed and throwing me to get me going.
I don’t know what this feeling is or why I can’t seem to fight it this time. I feel like I am losing a battle. I even find it hard to know what day it is anymore. The only thing I have been able to do is blog…and that is done at random times during the day.
I have been trying to find things to keep me going, to get me excited for life again, but I am just so lost. I wonder if it has to do with me being unemployed, or the fact that I just don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone or any job. I am feeling useless and unproductive, and I have no reason to feel this way.
The worst thing, I haven’t even been reading as much!! My favorite thing in the world and I haven’t been doing it!
I have got to get myself out of this hole that I have fallen in. It’s dark and there is no light, but I can feel the walls. Dirt walls. The kind that can be easily dug away to create foot holds to climb out. I just don’t have the energy to move.