For years I would wake up in the middle of the night with these great idea’s for stories. I would write down a few thoughts on the story and put it away and go back to sleep, just because I had to work the next morning. By the time I would wake up the notes I had jotted down made no sense and that good story was lost forever. Sometimes I wouldn’t even write it down, I would convince myself that I would remember in the morning, but I never did.
I haven’t had any moments like that since I lost my job. Actually I have been up until 4 in the morning writing away because I seem to write better after midnight. Then last night I had this fantastic dream about fighting demons and when I woke up I kept telling myself that I should get up and write it down. Instead, I went back to sleep and I can’t stop beating myself up about it now.
I remember the dream, I just can’t remember where I wanted the story to go. I could have gotten out of bed and wrote two pages at least so that I knew where I wanted the story to take me. My lazy side got the best of me and I may have lost a really good story. I will probably write the dream down and hope something comes back to me later, but if I had just gotten up when I had the idea I wouldn’t be in this mess.
It’s funny how so many years of mind-numbing, soul-crushing work can do to your mind. You almost instantly let go of the idea of putting sleep aside because of work. But since I am not working, I have to learn to let go of that.
I heard a quote somewhere that said “If you want something as bad as you want to breathe, you will succeed.” I want to test this out. I want to lose sleep because I had to write or work on my current project. I want to get up in the middle of the night and start writing away because I just had a great idea. I am tired of losing my ideas and while I am unemployed I will make this work for me.
I do want to be a successful writer and it’s all I ever think about, but I let things get in my way. I watch TV or some anime show instead of working on my writing. Actually, the past few days I have let anime take over my life. I haven’t even read much because I was too busy watching some Japanese cartoon.
This is me giving up everything that distracts me from what I really want. I’m not saying I will work non-stop everyday until I am so sick of writing I just don’t want to do it anymore. I am saying I will spend more time writing that I spend on anything else. I said that not having a job gave me the opportunity to reinvent myself, so that is what I need to do. I need to rewire my brain and let it know that I don’t need so much rest and I don’t care for too much television.
I will fight for my dream.