Where is my Beauty?

I was going to share the recipe and the steps I took to make a giant cookie today.  But then something came up and I found that I have something to get off my chest.  It’s something that always crosses my mind, and I ponder on it for a while, then give up.

I am over weight.  I have always been a chunky girl, and until about 5 years ago, I just didn’t care.  I remember in high school I would eat a peanut butter twix (before they started using the chocolate cookie in them.) and a Dr. Pepper for lunch every day.  My best friend would eat the same thing, but she was a little skinny mini and it didn’t effect her.  I hated gym and anything that made me do any exercise other than walking to my next class.  I was lazy, ate what I want, and just didn’t care.

But I did care.  I hated being fat, but I didn’t know how to change.  I was a teenager and the internet was not nearly as big as it is now…I know how shocking that sounds.  My internet surfing in high school consisted of checking my AOL email and sneaking into chat sites that my mom told me to stay out of (which was all of them).  I didn’t search for new websites or information.  The internet was still a new thing.  It’s amazing how much things change in such a short time.

So, I was the fat, depressed, gothic girl that hid in the shadows until my friends drug me along with them.  I hated what I looked like and I blamed my weight on not having a boyfriend.  I thought I was just too fat to find love.  Yet, there were girls bigger than me that were always dating.  Of course, most of the time those girls were having sex with guys to keep them around.  Don’t miss understand me, I am not saying they were whores that “slept their way to the top.”  It’s just usually how things went down.  I was a virgin (still am!) and all the guys knew it.  It’s never been something I have hid.

Sorry, I got off topic.  The point is, the point of this whole thing, it’s not okay for me to be fat.  But it is okay for anyone else to be fat.  I have looked at overweight women and thought “She is so pretty!”  But when I look in the mirror I think “I am a blob of ugly.”  So why, in my mind, is it okay for others to be overweight, but not me?  Why am I so much harder on myself than I am others?  Why can I not be pretty and overweight too?

I keep telling myself that if I could afford the plus size clothes that were cute, I could be okay with my weight.  And sometimes I still blame my weight for my horrific condition of singledomness.  It should be a real thing!

I do have moments where I look in the mirror and think “I am really pretty today.”  Okay, it happens a lot, but only when I am alone.  When I am around others I want to sink into the shadows and hope no one notices how awful I look.

I am trying now to lose weight.  But I always stop to think “Why am I really doing this?”  What is a good reason to lose weight?  To be healthy, right?  But am I trying to lose weight to be healthy, or so I can feel worthy of falling in love?  And, is my mind the reason I am still single?  Do I have some kind of block that doesn’t allow me to see when someone is interested?  It’s all in my mind…I am actually just like the other overweight, but beautiful women, but for some reason I can’t accept that.

I thought that writing all this down would help.  Sadly, I now have a headache and no closer to a reason as to why I can’t see myself as beautiful.


One thought on “Where is my Beauty?

  1. girlychristina says:

    I’m happy that you decided to share your feelings on your blog. I’m sorry that you now have a headache, though! =( Ask yourself what makes you FEEL beautiful and pretty? Look at the mirror, and tell yourself what makes you uniquely you. Beauty is only skin deep, and self-confidence is more important! I wish you the best of luck!

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