Irrational Fears

I have a bit of a confession for everyone tonight.  I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, and never even held a boys hand.  But that isn’t the confession.

I told people for years that I was just too busy for a relationship.  I told them I needed to focus on my studies so I could get a good job and depend on myself.   That’s not the confession either.

The confession, I am absolutely terrified to date.  Not just the dating, but the whole flirting part.  The part where I get super close and comfy with someone that I don’t mind letting them invade my personal space.

Seriously, at my age, dating should be easy.  I should have gone a million dates, and kissed at least a few guys.  Heck, at least flirted a bit.  Oh, I flirted online, I was good at flirting online.  That was safer, no one could actually see me and I couldn’t stumble on my words.  When you flirt online, you write words.  That means you think about it, type it, read it, and change it when it sounds completely retarded.  In real life you can’t take back stupid words and you can’t hide the fact that you just stuttered.  Real life people can also see you blush. Yep, real life kind of sucks.

I am naturally awkward.  I have been the awkward weird girl all my life.  It doesn’t make it easy to make friends at all.  The friends I do have went through a lot of crap just to call me a friend.  I live in a world where fairies and dragons exist.  I have this wild fantasy that a vampire will find me one day.  And I won’t have to make him fall in love with me because he is already in love with me.  We just click, the end.  No silly dating and strange phone calls.

So there.  I have never been in a relationship because the idea terrifies me.  It’s even hard for my family to know me, how is some random guy going to get to know me.  Especially when I keep everyone at a distance.  I tend to push people away, just so they don’t get too close.  Yeah, it happens all the time in movies.  The girl pushes everyone away but there is that one guy that forces his way into her life and she falls in love with him.  At this point, that is what is going to happen to me.

I can’t even talk to a guy I find attractive, as I am sure I have already mentioned in a blog before.  I wouldn’t know what to do on a date.  My palms would sweat so I couldn’t hold his hand.  He would lean in for a kiss and I would be completely oblivious to his intentions.  Or, he would lean in for a kiss and I would giggle, then he would get all self conscious, and wonder what he has done wrong.  Then there is the chance that I could be head over heels for the guy, but not know how to show it and he would stop talking to me because he doesn’t think I am interested.

Why does the idea of dating have to be so confusing and scary.  Maybe it’s not even the dating thing that worries me, just the idea of letting someone get close.  There is also the fear of being completely crushed.

Of course, my fear doesn’t stop me from dreaming.  But my day dreams usually start with the guy bluntly telling me he is into me and wants to take me on a date.  On the date he will tell me he wants to hold my hand and he will ask if he can kiss me.  Everything straight forward because I am not good with hints.

I think I am doomed.  I should just go ahead and start planning adoption, because at this rate I will never get married.

Go on, laugh.  It really is kind of funny.  Sad, but funny.

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2 thoughts on “Irrational Fears

  1. Shannon says:

    I find absolutely NOTHING funny about that story! Not even remotely other than the way you have with words, because you are a very talented writer. You’re alone by choice and it’s a very RATIONAL fear you have Heather. I know you don’t think so but it is truly rational. More people have it than you think, you’re just the only one ADMITTING it. I know you struggle with it daily and I wish there was some magic fairy dust I could sprinkle on you to make it different, but there isn’t so alas all I can do is offer you my total love and understanding and I will ALWAYS be here for you… NEVER give up on your dreams, NEVER give up on your wishes and ALWAYS but ALWAYS put yourself first, the rest will eventually follow… What’s meant to be WILL be, I can assure I am living proof of that in SO many ways and you only know HALF of what I have been thru in my life!

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